Hall of Justice

Impervious to kryptonite since 1974. Bragging about it since 1974.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Halloween Fun

Here's a little practical joke for you to try today. Call a grocery store and ask the person answering the phone if they have any apples. When he says yes, ask him how much they are. The person on the other end of the line will probably go check the price. When he gets back and gives you the price, ask him if they have any razor blades.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Jiminy Glick In Exxon (A Photo Commentary)


Former talk show host Jiminy Glick was named CEO of Exxon-Mobil today. The surprising move was aimed at improving the company's image after third quarter earnings reports showed an increase in income of 75% amid soaring gas prices. Although insiders do not expect the new oil magnate to become proficient with the inner workings of his company, they do predict that he will be highly critical during his preliminary evaluation.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Fun With Scammers Archive

Friday, October 21, 2005

Fun With Scammers Part 7: The Disappearing Rapper

This scammer wasn't very good. He had the usual MO of always getting on me about not delaying anything, but then he would disappear for weeks at a time.

ATTN: Sanford Jones ,

With warm heart I offer my friendship, and greetings,and I hope this mail meets you in good time. However strange or surprising this contact might seem to you as we have not met personally or had any dealings in the past, I humbly ask that you take due consideration of its importance and immense benefit. I duly apologise for infringing on your privacy, if this contact is not acceptable to you, as I make this proposal to you as a person of integrity I am Barrister Nze Kefas.a solicitor at law,

personal attorney to Mr.A W. Jones, a national Of your country,who used to work with Shell Development Company in Lome Togo. Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 21st of April 2000, my client,his wife and their only daughter were involved in car accident along Carra express Road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. Since then i have made several enquiries to your embassy here to locate any of my clients extended relatives,this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to contact you,I got your contact in a U.S library departement of American embassay here in lome togo.

.I have contacted you to assist In repartriating the fund valued at US$8.5 million left behind by my client before it gets confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Union Togolaise Banque where this huge amount was deposited. The said Union Togolaise Banque has for sometime now issued me a notice to provide the next of kin of my client or his account shall be declared dormant or possibly confiscated.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over 2years now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim. All I require from you is your
honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through.

I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me through the above e-mail for more details.

Best Regards.
Barr. Nze Kefas.esq

Dear Barrister Nze Kefas,

It is with great remorse and guilt that I receive your correspondence. You see, A.W. Jones was my Uncle Alvin. Uncle Alvin was the founder of a great root beer dynasty here in the U.S. However, about 5 years ago, root beer profits bottomed out in the now infamous market correction in the industry. As a result, his empire began to hemmorage money. He decided to search the world for a new root from which to extract the secret blend for his root beer so that he could reverse his fortunes.

It was my idea that he travel to the African continent to survey the plentiful flora located in its lush rain forests. His role as a representative of Shell Development was a ruse he created with the help of his good friend, root beer enthusiast, CEO of Shell, and International Bright Young Thing, Jesus Jones. He was worried about travelling abroad as a root beer magnate after the untimely death of Edward Barqs in the Phillipines in August 2000.

His expedition was to last for 9 months. After a year had passed, my family began to grow worried as to the whereabouts of Uncle Alvin. No one cared much about the dissappearance of the rest of the family. Aunt Beatrice was a total winch and my cousin Gilbert was a heroine addict and suspected pedophile. However, Uncle Alvin was a diamond in the rough- certainly a douche of a man if ever there was one- and I sent him to his African grave. My family is in shock and dismay over this news, as you might imagine. Oh, I cannot bear the thought of my poor Uncle Alvin passing from this earth.

Thank you so much for your warm heart. I will put it in my closet behind my little league trophies. It soothes my soul almost as much as Campbell’s soup to know that that cozening prevaricators like yourself are looking out for the good of humanity, especially during this troubling time of loss. At least I can get rich from his empire, though, thanks to your generous offer.

By the way, my uncle taught me the business of carbonated beverages. I now am the CEO of my own beverage company. Our leading product is Tab. It is a delicious and refreshing diet drink. Perhaps you can join me on my porch here in West Virginia for a drink after we complete this transaction.

By the way, I couldn’t help but notice how similar your name is to a good friend of mine, Eazy-E of NWA. Are you in the hip hop business?

Please let me know what you need to begin this transaction. I look forward to getting rich.

Your new friend with your warm beating heart,
Sanford Jones, Esquire

Dear Sanford Jones,

This is in reference to your detailed mail received this morning on the subject matter. While I sincerely believe that you read through and understood my very confidential mail yet I will like to take this opportunity to explain to you briefly what I need you to do in other for us to be successful in the transaction.

1. The very first thing is for you to make up your mind fully to co-operate with me in the claim. You will be the next of kin to my deceased client and on that understanding you will have to dedicate yourself seriously from now till the end of the transaction. You have to believe in me and I in you for the overall interest of both of us. But where we have doubts in each others integriety, it will not occur well so therefore I would want you to fully make up your mind.

2. Once you give me your firm commitment, then the next step will be for you to apply to the bank; Union Togolaise De Banque requesting them to transfer the estate of your late relative to you as the inheritor. The text of the letter to the bank will be prepared by me as the lawyer of the family then you will read and approve of it before sending it to the bank.

3. Once the bank receives the letter they will make first contact with you and thereafter they will request for some vital documents to prove that you are actually related to the deceased. Those documents to be demanded are right in my possession hence you will not have problem satisfying their demand. After the documents are submitted and verified, then the rest will be purely administrative paperwork which the bank will undertake before transfering the estate to you in form of the amount left behind by the deceased.

Above are the major procedure which I want you to understand clearly. Rightnow let me assure you fully that there is no criminality in the whole process because even the bank officials knows that I was personal attorney to the deceased and had at various times in the past represented by client in the bank in one two matters concerning his investment in the bank. For this reasons the issue of suspicision or doubt on whether or not you are the next of kin will not arise.

Basically I need you to stand firmly with me and follow my guidiance till the end and once the fund is transfered to your account it will be shared in the ratio as explained in my said confidential mail to yourgoodself. But should you have any reservation concerning the sharing ratio do let me know beforehand.

Naturally, I am open minded and I do not pretend nor take advantage on people. Again at this stage of my life and qualification as a lawyer I do not need to do something stupid hence I am sure of the informations I have forwarded to you. So I would appreciate if you go through this mail, ask some questions if need be, give me a detailed background information about yourself
and let me truthfully if you can handle this.

Thank you while I await for your reply.

Barrister Nze Kefas
Telephone +228 924 1598

Word Up Barrister Nze-E!

I hope you be kickin it real today. Much peace and love for your speedy and mendacious reply. However, it appears that either you did not spend much time reading my first e-mail, or you did not mean it when you gave me your warm heart. How can there be criminality when I am truly a relative of the dearly departed? And don’t you want to offer me condolences?

I can assure you that I have made my mind up fully. I be wanting to do business with you as long as you be true. Also, you can be certain that I be true and sincere, yo. Anyone who gives me their warm heart does not have to worry about my belief in them. The only other person who has ever given me their warm heart was Kris Kringle, who showered me with gifts throughout my childhood; and I repaid him by being a good boy, especially in November and December.

What is your proposed sharing ratio? I’m thinking 1:5 is a good ratio, unless that was what you laid on Smarty Jones last weekend. Then you might be frontin on dat, know wut I'm sayin?

Before we go any further with this lucrative transaction, I need some answers to my previous questions. First, will you join me on my front porch for a cold, refreshing Tab once this transaction is complete? I assure you that my home, although there is no running water or electricity, offers a spectacular view of the Appalachian Mountains. I also own a gerbil ranch, so maybe I could persuade you to survey my herd while you are here. I promise a schlemiel such as yourself will not dissappointed.

Also, I am very interested to know whether you are in the hip hop business, or as we say here in America, you be down wit da G’s in da hood. If so, do you kick it wit da east coast or da west coast? I be a straight G runnin west coast style, namely my boy Eazy-E.

One final request: in future correspondence, could you please refer to me as Sanford Jones, Esquire? Uncle Alvin gave me that suffix, and as a tribute to him, I have legally changed my name to include the suffix. Thank you for your consideration in this matter. Word up.

You got my commitment firm, know wut I be sayin? Let’s get this mutha rollin, yo.

Standing firm with your warm heart still in my closet,
Sanford Jones, Esquire

Dear Mr. Jones,

Yes I got your mail of this morning. I promise to share your local breaw with in your home. I will visit. Please I am putting absolute trust on you hence I plead with you not to let me down.

Enclosed is self explainatory, do type same neatly in your personal letter head and fax through the number indicate to the bank. This is the first step. Once you do so do alert me.

Awaiting your urgent response.

Barrister Nze
Mr Suleman Musa,
(Treasury/Operations Manager)
Union Togolaise Banque,
Fax: +228 2610376


Dear Sir,

I wish to use this medium to formally inform yourgoodselves that the above named person who was one of your valuable client died on the 21st of April 2001, together with members of his immediate family. Since the unfortunate incident, the whole members of JONES family was thrown into deep sorrow and mourning and has just reconciled with the fact that our dear brother is no more.

Rightnow records available to the family as well as facts from his personal Attorney in Lome, in the person of Barrister Juliao Nana confirmed that Late Engr.ENGR.ANDREW WISELY JONES had an Investment
Deposit with your esteem organization in the amount of US$8,500,000.00(Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand Us Dollars). Accordingly I am by this letter requesting your goodself to transfer the estate of my said late relative to my humbleself as the Bonafide
Inheritor/Next of Kin.

Finally, I wish to add that while my late uncle was alive he was involved with the local communities in Lome in providing them portable water and will appreciate your immediate response to my request to
enable me continue with those ideals he lived for. My full contact address, telephone and fax numbers are inclosed for ease of communication.

Thank you for your anticipated co-operation.

Yours Sincerely
Sanford Jones, Esquire

My Straight G Out On A Robbin Spree Nze,

What up my stone cold nigga? I am delighted that you will drink Tab with me on my front porch. However, it is not just a local brew. It is a leading diet soft drink marketed in over 70 countries worldwide. As a matter of fact, Tab was displayed prominently in the Michael J. Fox blockbuster movie Back To the Future. I can assure you that hilarity ensued when he attempted to order a Tab in a 1960’s drugstore after being sent back in time. I also look forward to your surveying my gerbil ranch. Maybe we could work out a side proposition that would include you maintaining a ranch for me in Africa. They would be great modes of transportation through the African bush.

Before I send this letter that you so kindly drafted for me, I still have unanswered questions about the proposed sharing ratio. I am also still awaiting a response about your level of participation, if any, in the hip hop business, and, if so, who you be sided wit? West coast or east coast, yo?

Urgently being urgent with great urgency,
Tha Esquire

Snoop Barrister Nze,

Word up. I am still awaiting your reply regarding the sharing ratio and who you be wit in the hip hop business. I am ready to send off this schlocky professional letter you wrote for me, but I will not start this transaction until I know what my cut is going to be. I did not become a wealthy international beverage manufacturer and gerbil rancher by entering into ventures without knowing all of the details. Until these issues are resolved, I am afraid my hands are tied to my elbows. I know time is of the essence because we be wanting that jack before your government steals it from us. Please resolve these issues so that we can begin this transaction which will lead to lifelong financial independence for both of us.

One more question, do people in Africa have pet monkeys since they are native to the continent? If I lived there, I sure would. I would paint it blue, slap a yellow spandex suit on it, and name it Gleek. Then I would turn myself into the shape of a sabertooth tiger and eat him like a piece of popcorn. Then I would turn myself into a waterfall and drink myself to wash Gleek down. It would be be wonder-ful.

Anyway, let me know ASAP what my cut of the windfall is going to be, and if we be hip-hop allies. Then, we can begin this tremendously lucrative transaction.

Peace out my dog and don’t front on my ho’s know wut I be sayin,
Tha Esquire

P.S. Your warm heart is still beating rythmically behind my little league trophies.


Why you be gankin me, yo? You be a crazy nigga if you think you be able to front on me like dat an den disappear.

Are we not doing business? You have disappeared for many weeks. Why would you never answer my question about my percentage of the take after you said I could ask about it? Maybe you do not really have any money and you just like to break American hearts? I can still be coaxed into this venture because I am greedy and want to add to my millions, but you are on a short leash.

Once more I will ask: what is my cut? I will not send the letter you prepared for me until my question is answered.

Also, in a previous e-mail, you asked about detailed background information. What type of information did you want? I will be more than happy to provide you with any background information you would like. I am very open with this information because the details of my life are not inconsequential.

About ready to flush your heart down the toilet,
Slammin Sanford Jones, Esquire

Dear Sanford Jones,

Thanks for your long time mail I cant understand what you mean by your percentage you forget that all the money is in your care and your account.but all the same i will give you 30%percentage From the total amount is that OK for you. please if you are still willing to do the business with me reply on time for us get things going



Barrister Dude,

I am shocked (shocked!) that you would ask me to reply on time. You were the one who went on a 3 week hiatus. I be wanting to do dis know wut I’m sayin. Let’s do it. 30% is not acceptable. I will accept nothing less than 60%. Also, I noticed in your latest e-mail that you did not address me as Sanford Jones, Esquire. This is non-negotiable. I will no longer respond to an Esquire-less salutation.

Now that we have that out of the way, what type of background information do you want from me? In addition, you never answered my question about your contacts in the hip hop industry here in America. We may have some mutual friends.

I hope I didn’t offend you when I called you my nigga. I guess I should inform you that I am also black. Attached is a picture of me.

Peace out dog,

P.S. I moved your heart to the bathroom lavatory.

Dear Sanford, A Special Edition


Why us?



I see it runs in the family. Below is a map of your state. The blue indicates water, which borders Florida on three sides. As you may or may not know, hurricanes form over water. Did you expect Montana to get hit next?


What's your 40 time?



Backwards, my best time is 1.6 seconds. On my hands, it's 3.4. I haven't found a stopwatch with high enough precision (to the thousandth) to record my 40 time, but I'd guess it's about 0.006.

Send your questions to sanfordrjones@yahoo.com.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Spam Is Darwinism In Action

Here is the text of random spam taken from my Yahoo bulk folder:

Dear Homeowner,

You have been approved for a $402,000 house loan at a 3.25% Stable
This offer is being extended to you unconditionally. Your credit is in
no way a factor.

To take advantage of this One Time Offer,

please take a minute and confirm your curiosity or intention to accept
this loan, at the following web-site:

6 different copies of this e-mail were sent to me from different addresses, none looking very official or trustworthy (e.g. "morton_bowersgz@ waycoolinc.com"). You would think that anyone with a 3rd grade education would assume someone shady, rather than a legitimate business, is behind this mailing. Otherwise, the company would not have to resort to grammatically incorrect bulk e-mail to drum up business. If someone is dumb enough not to recognize this, he deserves whatever ill fate awaits his link clicking.

Following is a spam comment one of my ingenious posts received:

Anonymous said...

On campus, Net is the great communicator
Charis Stiles lost her late grandmother's gold ring and hair clip recently as she stumbled home ... Please, dear God, if you find them return them," Stiles, 21, wrote the next afternoon to a popular Web site frequented by her New College of Florida peers.
Your blog is very interesting, check out mine if you have a chance sometime!
I have a debt site/blog. It pretty much covers debt related stuff.

9/06/2005 11:08 AM

Who reads this comment, possibly the least understandable text I have ever seen, and thinks to himself, "I have got to see what this guy has to say about debt"? Hopefully, the link contains a virus that wipes out the user's computer.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Nightmare Burgers (A Photo Commentary)


I'm going to go on record as saying that if I ever wake up and this guy is at my door or window or in my bed, I will put 00 buckshot in his chest and go straight to a mental institution. I have no idea how this character/ ad campaign is helping Burger King increase profits.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Fun With Scammers Part 6: Fake Online Dating Service

I don't know about anyone else, but I know I prefer using e-mail on online dating services to yahoo, hotmail, and gmail. It appears I'm not alone.


Did you get my last email? I saw your ad on Friend Finder and thought I would write. I am new to this area and looking for new friends. I just moved near Fairfax from Colorado about a month ago andI must say I really like it here. I haven't met anyone yet, except for my roomate who moved here a while back. She's made some friends through the internet and she says there's a lot of nice people I might like here. I don't have an email connection yet so I am using my friends. I am generally a happy person. Very optimistic, outgoing, fun, affectionate, honest, adventuresome, love family and friends and love to travel. My roomate Christine thought I should email you and she showed me how to send it but nowI can't figure out how to attach my picture here. Christine attached my picture on Findyourfriendlymatch.com. You can locate my number 2986363. If it interests you, you can call me on my cell phone tomorrow at 65254194I am fairly open minded and I like trying new things. I care deeply for those around me and I have a lot of love to give the right person. Any way we can talk and see what we have in common and maybe get together if you would like to.


Looking forward to your call.
I don't know if we'll be using this address anymore so call me and let's see where it goes.


I did not get another e-mail from you, but I am excited to receive this one. You are really lovely. You have beautiful shoulders and elbows. I tried to call your number, but you must have accidentally left out a couple of numbers. Your roommate seems to be quite computer literate. I guess it’s lucky for me that she is such a whiz.

It sounds as though we might have a lot in common. I, too, am happy and fun. I also love friends. Nothing in the world beats being happy and having fun with friends. However, I loathe my family. Other things that might interest you are that I’m spontaneous and quite symmetrical. In edition, my grammar is impeccible.

What exactly do you mean by adventuresome? Do you like to go out in the woods and hunt for magi? If so, there really is not a good place in this area for that type of adventure. I have a group of friends that I role play adventure games with if you would like to join us. They are some neat people.

Attached is a picture of me. I hope you like it.

Eagerly awaiting your response,

P.S. Where did you say you got my information?

I'm sorry, Janie and I have turned on the auto response for this email address, she sent out a few emails to some people from here and we won't be checking this address anymore. She is going to get her emails through www.Findyourfriendlymatch.com, this way she won't have to sign in everytime to pick up her mail, it will be forwarded to my computer.


Friday, October 14, 2005

Dear Sanford


I am a 55-year-old female who competes in triathlons for fun, fitness and health. I consulted my doctor because I was having foot pain. When I told him I was a runner and was preparing for a marathon race, his response was, "At your age, you could hardly call it a race."

I was shocked. I repeated the insulting comment to my husband, who has never supported me in this nor attended my races. He replied, "Well, you don't actually consider yourself an athlete, do you?"

I am so offended that I want to dismiss both my doctor and my husband. I just finished a race with 5,000 women. Every one of them was fabulous and serious, no matter how old or what they looked like. It was the spirit of the sport that mattered. At what age does one stop being an athlete?



The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Granny? The question you should be asking isn’t whether you’re young enough to be an athlete, but what your mental state is. First of all, no one without a screw loose should find competing in triathlons fun, especially not geezers like you. Secondly, you’re old enough to be a grandmother. Stop deluding yourself into thinking you’re still young.

You’ll be dead soon. Do you really want to spend the sunset of your life swimming, biking, and running in a big circle, no doubt getting outpaced by everyone else? My advice: do your husband, your doctor, and everyone else a favor and find a cliff to jump off of.


How much can you leg press?



I’ve never maxed out on leg press, but I can squat a Boeing 747.


My son, a rodeo cowboy, wants to know the proper etiquette for a groom wearing a cowboy hat during the wedding ceremony. The ceremony will take place next July in a small Methodist church in Kansas. He really wants to wear his cowboy hat. Can he?



You need to realize that your son is a redneck. Rednecks don’t generally get too hung up on proper etiquette. Since you’re from Arkansas, I’m going to make a couple of assumptions about the bride’s attire: If she will be wearing overalls and either no shoes at all or steel-toed boots, and the wedding is being held in a chicken coop, does it really matter if your loser son wears his cowboy hat?

By the way, I’m sure the bride is a real looker.

Send your questions to sanfordrjones@yahoo.com.

From The Mind Of... Archive

Sometimes I wonder, if I were to jump out of a 10th story window, how much distance I would get before I hit the ground. That would be a pretty cool science experiment if I could perform the test more than once. Would flailing my legs a certain way get me farther? Would doing the breastroke add any extra distance? The world will never know unless I can convince some stupid school kid to make this his science fair project.

If one were to fire a gun from a car moving at the same rate as the bullet and cover the barrel with his hand, then slam on the brakes....I bet the whiplash would hurt pretty bad.

I've taken to skipping at work lately. When I pass people and they ask me what I'm doing in a tone that expects me to be cheerful, I curse and hurl racial epithets at them. I don't think I'm going to last here much longer.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

On The Average Street Corner In Nigeria (A Photo Commentary)


Abidugun Shangobunni (foreground) and Durojaiye Azagaba rein in their pet hyenas as they approach unidentified baboon walkers on Kaduna Boulevard in Sokoto, Nigeria. Azagaba, a renowned domesticated hyena breeder, and Shangobunni are often likened to America's Siegfried and Roy for their antics with dangerous animals, in addition to their flaming homosexuality.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Ode To Clint Howard

If I, Super Sanford, had a sidekick, it would be Clint Howard. All of his work is top notch. I particularly enjoyed him as Leon on the Andy Griffith Show, Harper Valley P.T.A.'s Corley, and Slinky alongside Kurt Russell in the blockbuster Tango And Cash. In addition, he had a supporting role in Gung Ho, the greatest movie of all time that depicted George Wendt bowling over old Asian dudes while wearing a softball uniform. Check out the excellent work he is currently doing.

Fun With Scammers Part 5: Mach90 Disaster

This correspondence with a Mach90 scammer kind of blew up in my face. After my response, I began receiving 30 e-mails per day from Ms. Pingpong.


My name is Kathy Sumampong, and I am writing you this email from my home. The reason for this email is that you and I share something in common...

At some point in our lives we contemplated or tried to start a home business. Don't worry; I'm not trying to sell you anything. I just want to ask you a simple question?

If I helped you start a part-time business from your home and in two years you retired... would you send me a Thank You card? If your answer is "Yes" simply reply “I Want Information” and I will send out some information to you right away.

Be sure to include:
1. First name
2. Last name
3. Email address (if different from above)
4. Country
5. Phone #:

If your answer is "no" please delete this email because I will not be contacting you again.

Thank you so much for your time.

I hope you will at least take a free look.


Kathy Sumampong

Ms. Sumampong,

If you can allow me to retire within 2 years, I will not only send you a thank you card, but I will invite you to my retirement party where you will sit at the head table with my concubines. Everyone will get wasted and sing 80's songs. It will be like the party in that movie Apocalypse Now. In answer to your questions:

1. Gar
2. Frankenhorn
3. use the one you sent this to
4. Confederate States Of America
5. 703.936.1212

I look forward to your reply. I want to make some money. Is this venture by any chance associated with Amway or any other pyramid scheme? I've always wanted to get in on a pyramid scheme. People in that line of work always seem so cool.

Tinkle tinkle tinkle,
Gar Frankenhorn

P.S. What do we have in common? If you think the answer is our species, you might be surprised.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

More Smurfed Up News (A Photo Commentary)


Anarchy broke out this weekend in the Smurf Village after bombs equipped with biological warheads caused widespread destruction. While no group has claimed responsibility, Papa Smurf has placed the blame on Gargamel. However, Brainy Smurf indicated on Nightline last night that the attack may have been orchestrated by the Snorks, stating, "Think about it. Gargamel wants to eat us. If he bombs us using biological warheads, we're tainted meat. Who else would want to see us wiped out? Maybe another cartoon race that has been in our shadow since Day 1? That leads me to believe it's the Snorks. Papa Smurf always says the Snorks are a bunch of [expletive deleted]."

Monday, October 10, 2005

Fun With Scammers Part 4: Jones Nationality Lost There

Here's another one from the archives that didn't get very far.


Mr. Sanford Jones,

I am Barrister Morris Popur, a solicitor at law, personal attorney to Enginner B. P Jones, a nationality of your country, who used to work with Shell Development Company in Lome Togo.

Here in after Shall Development Company be referred to as my client. On the 21st of April 2000, my client, his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident along Nouvissi express Road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy here in Togo to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you to assist in repartrating the fund valued at US$64.8 million left behind by my client before it gets confisicated or declared unserviceable by the UNION TOGOLAISE DU BANQUE, where this huge amount were deposited. The said Bank has issued me a notice to provide to them the next of kin or have his account confisicated within the next days.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in finding his relatives for over 2 years now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last name with him, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you as the next of kin to the depositor.

Therefore, on receipt of your positive response on this claim, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities on the transfer of the fund. Meanwhile I have all the necessary information and legal documents needs to back you up for the claim.

All I required from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee you that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me through this e-mail for more details about the claim.

Best Regards.
Barrister. Morris Popur.


All. Hail. The. Great. And. Powerful. Barrister. Morris. Poplar.

What a terrible and tragic yarn you weave, oh ye of sporadic random period placement. The Nouvissi Express must be a dangerous place to drive. I never knew that there was a nationality here in my country called BP Jones and that the whole nationality was destroyed in your country. What a coincidence. A terrible, tragic coincidence. I assume that you are having trouble locating relatives since the whole race was killed. It must have been quite a packed automobile. Were they driving a bus?

I hope you do not object to my use of expletives, but holy freaking poop! Shucks, 65 million dollars is a lot of mother humping money! You can darn well consider this correspondence as my positive response and you can expect my honesty and loyalty, oh chum of chums. Or would you rather be considered my faithful sidekick?

What the heck are the details of the shares and modals and whatnot?

One more question. What do you mean when you wrote “to back [me] up”? This may be a subtle difference in our dialect, but that is sexual talk in my region. Are you offering sex? Or does this term mean something else in your dialect? I assume the former, but you can never be sure in today’s culture of free love and lusting of the flesh.

Thank you for offering me this opportunity. I look forward to getting the skinny (in my dialect, that means getting the down low, which means hearing the details) on this venture.

With burning in my heart and lungs,
Mister. Sanford. R. Jones.

Dear Mr. Sanford Jones

Thank you so much for your interest in the claim and fund transfer of the sum US$64,800,000.00 dollers, which was deposited in a bank here by your releative Eng. P. B. Jones.

However sir, following your questions in this claim I will like you to call me as soon as possible on this telephone number + 228 9222537, so that we can discuss the transaction in details.

Meanwhile every arrangement on how the fund will be transfer directly into your bank account has been made, now I want you to give me urgent call, so that we can discuss on how to share the fund after the transfer.

Thanks for co-operation

Br. Morris Popur
Telephone + 228 9222537.

Barrister. Poplar,

With that many zero’s, how can I not be interested? Son of a biscuit eater! We’re going to be on easy street (more linguistics from my region; it means we’ll be high on the hog, or rich).

Unfortunately, I can not call you at work. I operate a train trestle over the mighty Virginia River. I have a laptop with wireless web so I can download porn and stock quotes while I wait for trains, but I am not allowed to carry a phone. I will try to phone you when my shift ends tonight.

Could you please address the questions I had in my previous e-mail? Specifically, I need to know what are the shares and modals and what have you, and an answer to the question about what backing me up means.

One other question. You are a Barrister. The dead Jones nationality were all Engineers. I don’t have a title. Could you provide me with a title so that I might be more ready to face the world as a rich man once we conclude this transaction? I do not think it would be appropriate to be a rich man named Train Trestle Operator Sanford R. Jones.

Itching in the scrotal area,
Sanford R. Jones

Barrister Poplar,

I tried to call you last night, but when I asked for Mr. Poplar, the person on the other end starting chanting in various tongues and said I had the wrong number. I don't think I have the right phone number for you. I am back on my train trestle today downloading porn (Have you seen the Bea Arthur video? Talk about hot!) and stock quotes while raising and lowering the bridge, so if you reply to this e-mail with a number that works, I will call you after my shift ends tomorrow. While you are awaiting my call, could you please address the outstanding questions I have?

1. What are the shares and modes of this deal?
2. What do you mean when you say you will “back [me] up”? Here, it means you want to bone me (in other words, to pork me or have sexual relations with me). Are you soliciting sex or is there a misunderstanding created by our cultural differences?
3. Will you give me a title similar to Barrister or Engineer?

Uncomfortable in the left ankle,
Sanford Jones

Friday, October 07, 2005

Hollywood Can Mess Up Anything

Here's a trailer for the new feel-good hit of the fall.

Blue Collar Safety (A Photo Commentary)


An unidentified man welds a part beneath his truck. Although the man's face is not visible, the precaution he is taking by placing a rock behind the rear wheel of his truck indicates that he is familiar with safety best practices and is probably wearing eye protection while welding.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Smurfing The News

Here's a story so smurfed up that I had to translate it to smurf-speak to handle it:

An 85-year-old Smurfheimer's patient who smurfed away from her mushroom was found smurfed and smurfed less than an hour after she was reported smurfing.

The smurf had smurfery and is smurfing at a hospital, said Smurf County Sheriff's Office spokesman Brainy Smurf. She did not remember the smurfing.

It smurfed before dawn Monday, after Smurfette, who lives with her, helped her get smurfed. Smurfette went to another room for a few smurfs, then returned to find that the smurf had gone outside, Brainy Smurf said. She couldn't find the older smurf and smurfed 911.

Handy Smurf discovered the smurf smurfing on the sidewalk, fully smurfed but with a broken smurf and a smurf in her smurf. A hospital smurf showed evidence of a smurfing, smurfs said.

"This is about as smurfed it gets," Brainy Smurf said.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Thank You, Google, For Uncovering My Unknown Talents (And A Brief History Of Garage Sale Warrior)

With the help of google.com, I've just discovered that I'm younger than I thought. More importantly, it appears I have some musical talent. While playing the tuba is quite lame, the didgeridoo would make a fine addition to my old college band, Garage Sale Warrior, which relied heavily on the cup and straw, garbage cans, and a tape recorder.

We toured extensively throughout the Urals and the Pacific Rim, but never caught on here in the States for some reason. Even our most critically acclaimed album, Beat Box Phone Call (produced by indie god Steve Albini), was panned by Rolling Stone, Circus, Good Housekeeping, and Seventeen. While we expected to get some feedback, possibly negative, from music-oriented publications like Rolling Stone and Circus, the Seventeen review caught us offguard because our sound was as musically opposed to the boy band sub-genre as possible. We assumed we got lumped into the category of teenie fodder because we were all incredibly good looking college kids.

Then came the Good Housekeeping debacle. Someone on the soccer mom magazine's editorial staff didn't do her homework and sent a writer out to us for a piece on garage sale warriors. Apparently, there is an obsessive-compulsive subculture of people who live for Saturday morning yard sales. Some of these freaks actually sell off brand new or like-new property to feed their twisted disorder by buying old, useless crap. Anyway, when she arrived at our studio/ terrarium in Albuquerque, she was quite shocked to find a genre-defying musical group in the place of a sanity-defying consumer group. Needless to say, she never gave the music a chance to speak for itself, and she hurried away vowing to make us pay for sabatoging her career. We thought her parting accusation was over-the-top and completely out of line until, 7 years later in a strange twist of fate, she was momentarily considered as lead editor of Oprah Winfrey's O Magazine until the Garage Sale Warrior story found its way to Queen Oprah. If you haven't put 2 and 2 together by now, the woman was none other than Linda Hanrahan.

Ironically, our biggest fan in the press was Walter Branson of the Des Moines Free Press, who caught our show in Melbourne, Australia, during our Elmo's Cake tour. He thought we sounded like a mix of Beck, The Beach Boys, and Ministry. Unfortunately, neither Walter Branson nor the Des Moines Free Press hold much weight in the American musical scene, and our band suffered the same fate as The Bay City Rollers and Led Zeppelin.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

The Ethics Of Unprovoked Punches: Life Is A Fight Club

A point I often ponder is what the world would be like if it weren't ethically and morally wrong for one man to knock another man's teeth down his throat for no obvious reason. You know that guy you've never talked to because you already know you can't stand him? How would you like to be able to cold cock him every now and then? Of course, a few ground rules would have to be followed:

1. This would have to be man on man. Hitting women is just wrong, although there could be cause for a couple of caveats to this rule. For instance, a woman is fair game if she chews tobacco or curses like a character on an HBO series. Otherwise, no punching the ladies.

2. No punching someone just because he is smaller and weaker than you. However, if someone smaller and weaker than you rubs you the wrong way, have at it.

3. No retaliation with weapons. Let's settle this the way we used to do it on the playground. You catch me off-guard today with a flying fist, I catch you off-guard tomorrow with a knuckle sandwich (one of the perks of my new society is being able to say "knuckle sandwich" more often).

4. No trying to copy the fictional Fight Club. In my world, you talk about it all you want. In fact, not talking about it will earn you a cheapshot in the short ribs.

The above list is in no way intended to be complete as is. However, I'm eager to get my social experiment up and running. Have at it, guinea pigs. Now if you'll excuse, I'm off to find that guy in my office who looks like Barney Rubble and sneers at me every time I see him in the elevator although we've never spoken.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Coping With Insanity And Malnutrition (A Photo Commentary)


A recently published study in India has found that 1 out of 2 people in this photograph has some extremely serious issues.