Hall of Justice

Impervious to kryptonite since 1974. Bragging about it since 1974.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Fun With Scammers Part 8: Appendages For Card Sharks

Email barrisa_sani@walla.com

Private Message

Dear Hoff,

With due regards

I am Barrister Isa Sani a solicitor at law, personal attorney to Mr.J N.Hoff,a national Of your country,who used to work with Shell Development Company in Lome Togo.

Here in after shall be referred to as my client. and it happen that the Man registered to me as his personal attorney.Unfortunately the Man died in a motor accident which happened on 31th October, 2003. All occupants of the motor accident unfortunately lost there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy here to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence i contacted you. It is realy that we never knew or met each other befor but i will want you to come down in person so that we can see each other befor we can beable to procced, but where by you can not come down we can transfer this fund through bank, that means we shall be cummincating through email fax and phone,

But for me i could want you to come down so that we shall go direct to the bank, because every original documents that are needed to claim this fund is with me here right now;i don't want this bank to confisicate this fund,

Please I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the fund valued at US$ 9.5 million left behind by my client before it gets confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Fco Bank where this huge amount were deposited. The said Eco Bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have his account confisicated within the next twenty one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over 1years and some months now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim.

All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.
Please get in touch with me through the above email for more details.
Best regards.

Barrister Isa Sani. Esq .

Bar. Sani-Flush,

I feel so awful for my client (the Man). If he died in 2003, that means he never got to see the feelgood hit of this summer, Saw. At least he was still alive when Glitter hit theatres. I sure am glad my name is Hoff, because now I get to reap a huge reward for no other reason. It’s good that all you require is my honest cooperation, because I can provide that and little else. You see, I have no arms or legs and I am as dumb as a box of hammers. Maybe with this unexpected windfall, I can grow new arms and legs and have brain replacement surgery.

On your reply, could you please clarify the following remarks:

“It is realy that we never knew or met each other befor but i will want you to come down in person so that we can see each other befor we can beable to proceed, but where by you can not come down we can transfer this fund through bank, that means we shall be cummincating through email fax and phone,”

I have no earthly idea what you are trying to communicate to me in this statement, except that one of us is a moron. In an effort to keep this correspondence family-oriented, I am not going to comment on the beach ball you just lobbed me. I have a readership to think about, you know.

I look forward to quickly conducting this business so that I can pick out a new set of arms and legs. Let me know what my next course of action should be.

Not Hoff,
Fryer Crumple Sampson

Attention Fryer,

Responding to your mail,It is a great pleasure for me seizing this time to reform your mind and put you through in some certain clarifications.I am giving u every assurance regarding this issue which i know will be of immense benefit to both of us upon concluding.I was very happy after going through your mail,as a matter of fact i feel as if the money has already be transfer outside however i am giving you information regarding what we are doing. and i will also include application letter which you will fill and submit to the bank in order to proceed.Meanwhile i want you to know that u are dealing with a man that has a lot of reputations to keep and maintain.

God in heaven knows that i am of good intentions and faith in contacting you for this.I equally pray that the almighty God should give us the wisdom and knowledge to differenciate the good from the bad intentions.

I am an old man I dont want anything that will stain or dent my gained image,i am not in any way trying to implicate u into any thing that is illegal or cheat stuff.Though i am not in any way blaming u for this reason,but i only want u to know that some times we do fall aside of divine grace due to being skeptic and ignorant of the whole issue.One reason keep remain that it is only he who sees it that knows it.and so it is he who understands a language can equally speak it.all these are the words of the wise.Please also bear in mind.

My dear dont be afriad of anything, there is no risk attached to this transaction. let me thank you once again for your mail which is in response to my proposal. and please bear in mind that we are going to spend little money in this transaction to facilitate the project. Let me go straight to explain more on the event that led to this before I expatiate on the project proper.The deceased customer was a big customer of the Ecobank Of Lome Togo Republic.and died on a car acident along with his family due to no bodies were recovered from the accident due to a very poor rescue facilities.

They were given a ceremonial mass burial here in lome.and He was also the owner of S.T.E TRADING COMPANY SARL Lome Rep of Togo.He had handled so many projects here in West Africa.But the company folded up after the demise of his death.Meanwhile i am using this great oppurtunity to say i have all proof in this case as long as i am not hurting who should not be hurt.That brought us together.Meanwhile i will like you to please send me your picture for better understanding.And as well take my advice we will achive this goal.
Mr Barr Isa

NB,call me as soon as you receive this mail immediately for more directives.


B.P 363 Tel/fax:00228 222 11 49

Email: board_of_directors_office@yahoo.com

Dear Sir,
APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF 9.5 MILLION USA DOLLARS ONLY ($9.5M )FROM ACCOUNT NUMBER:$286-41732-55. Please be informed that I wish to transfer the sum of ($9.5M )from Account number $286-41732-55 to a new account as detailed below:

YOUR HOUSE ADDRESS: ..................
PHONE/ FAX NUMBER: ..............
BENEFICIARY: ...............
YOUR COUNTRY..................
YOUR AGE...................
YOUR PROFESSION.............
This is the money left behind in your Bank by my deceased cousin, I am his cousin and named next of kin with all documents to proof. I wish as the heir apparent to claim and instruct that the above mentioned amount be transferred into my nominated Bank account as shown above.Please,accept this late application as it was due to family logistic problems consequent upon his funeral rights. I hope you will expedite action. Thanks for your Anticipated co-operation,Yours faithfully.
your name.................

Barr Isa Sanity,

Thank you for the extremely professional looking (that was sarcasm) application. I have filled it out and will mail it as soon as the following requests are met:

1. What is the proposed sharing ratio?
2. How much can you bench press?
3. Attached is a picture of me before my accident (check out my guns!). Please send a picture of yourself.
4. Have you ever read Catcher In The Rye?

I have to take a dump pretty bad,
Crumple Sampson

Attention Sanford Jones,

I got your mail and it was well understood,Listen,i was not happy over your delaying in this transaction,that was not why i contacted you in this transaction and let be well clear to you that delay is not accepted in this transaction.

(I) Out from the total amount you will be giving %45 why%50 for me and %5 for all the whole cost of whateven we will spend in this transaction.

Listen,kindly send the form immediately through that email address i forwarded to you last time,as soon as you send it,get back to me by giving me a call,00228-933-58-20.

As soon as possible i am going to forward my picture to you for a better understanding,as soon as you receive this mail,kindly send out the application immediately and get back to me.


Barrister Isa Sani.

Why listen you,

You have some nerve telling me you’re not happy with my delays. You sent your first message on October 17 at 20:30 Greenwich Mean Time. I responded at 20:55 Greenwich Mean Time, a delay of 25 minutes. You responded to my response on October 19 at 21:11 Greenwich Mean Time, a delay of 2 days, 16 minutes. I responded to your response of my response on October 20 at 15:47 Greenwich Mean Time, a delay of 18 hours, 36 minutes. You responded to my response of your response of my response today at 16:15 GMT, a delay of 1 day, 28 minutes. You are the one who is dissappearing for days at a time, so don’t lecture me. If you expect me to just jump headfirst into this international game of intrigue with a complete stranger without any information at all about shares and modalities and whatnot, well let’s just say I’m dumb, but I’m not stupid. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You reap what you sow. Kill two stones with one bird. A bush in the hand is worth two in the bird.

I am quite insulted that you expect me to accept 45% of the loot. I will not take a penny more than 40%.

I will not submit this application until I receive a picture so that I can look at your eyes and judge for myself whether you are truly as reputable as you claim. In addition, you must also answer my question about how much you bench press. This is very important to me. Lastly, please stop addressing me as something different on each correspondence. My name is Fryer Crumple Sampson.

That is all for now. I have an appointment with my masseuse to have my nubs licked. Please respond to my simple requests.

On the next Arrested Development,
Fryer Crumple Sampson


Listen very attentively,i have made myself clear to you concerning on the sharing per-centage,But if you still demand that we share it normally,Well, their's no problem since we are doing this with one mind,i have accepted sharing with you 50 50 to both of us,So it will not stop us from not having this fund as the bank are awaiting to hear from his relation.

In this regards,i will want you to immediately send out the application form as to enable the bank see it before next week coming,Once again,attach is my Picture as you requested.

Keep me posted as soon as you submit it to the bank.

Barrister Isa Sani.

Dear Fryer Crumple Sampson,

Good morning and how are you doing,I hope great,Well,it interest me to know if you have submitted the form to the bank for an immediate releasing of this fund to you as the original next of kin,kindly update me if you have done that.

Once again,did you receive the picture which you requested?update me immediately.

Barrister Isa Sani.

Barrister Isa Doofus,

Good morning to you as well! I hope you didn’t get chased by any lions or any other scary exotic animals over there in Africa today.

The picture you sent is unacceptable. I can’t tell anything about your character from a picture scanned from a newspaper. All I can tell is that you look like a cross between Fat Albert (Hey! Hey! Hey!) and the Reverend Al Sharpton. Please send a color picture that is a minimum of 4 inches tall by 6 inches wide.

Also, I refuse your offer of 50% sharing. I was quite serious when I said that I will accept not one penny more than 40%.

Please stop delaying the process. I was hoping to have this loot in hand by the end of this month so that I can begin the process of growing new appendages and swapping out brains. These things take at least a month in total, and I am supposed to be a contestant on Card Sharks early in December. Host Jim Perry would undoubtedly share in my delight if I could point heavenward when I shout, “Higher, Jim!”

Our next challenger on Card Sharks is,
Fryer Crumple Sampson


Listen,this is not childish play,i contacted you in this transaction to share with me not to spoil it,please,if you are not interested in this transaction kindly send back to me that application form and do not send it to the bank again,you are negating my offer without no reason,how could you behaving like this way,saying nonsense language that does not suppose to say in this transaction,please this is not for children.

I am the one that should be afraid of you in this transaction because you are the person to receiv this fund as soon as it been release from the bank in your country,so if you are not ready kindly indicate immediately as to enable me contact another person that can understand this with me.

Barr Isa Sani.

Bob Barr,

Who’s being a child, buddy? I told you I want this done as soon as possible so I can have arms and legs when I go on Card Sharks. The brain would be an added bonus, but there’s so much luck involved, it’s really not that important.

If you don’t want this deal spoiled, all you have to do is agree to the 40% sharing and send me a larger color picture. As for “saying nonsense language that does not suppose to say in this transaction,” I would rebut that if I had any idea what you’re trying to say, Mr. Pot Calling the Kettle Black.

To prove that I am as serious as I can be, I’ve copied a portion of the completed application to this e-mail:

Dear Sir,
APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF 9.5 MILLION USA DOLLARS ONLY ($9.5M )FROM ACCOUNT NUMBER:$286-41732-55. Please be informed that I wish to transfer the sum of ($9.5M )from Account number $286-41732-55 to a new account as detailed below:

YOUR FIRST AND LAST NAME..Fryer Crumple Sampson, Jr.
YOUR HOUSE ADDRESS: ..58911831 Garckelgruber Highway, Fartnugget, PA 20144

I will gladly send the completed form in full as soon as my simple requests are addressed. If you feel the need to find someone else because I am asking you to fulfill one simple task and meet my most reasonable demand with regards to sharing, be my guest. I guess I could go on Press Your Luck instead, although I would have to press the button to stop my spin with my forehead. However, I’d still rather get the big bucks! big bucks! from this deal. Stop being a whammy and give me a decent picture and let me know where you stand with the sharing ratio.

Give Me Five,
Fryer Crumple Sampson

Dear Fryer Crumple Sampson,

Ok i agreed on that sharing 40%,But i want to be specific to you that i do not have another picture to send to you,if you don't trust me in this transaction,kindly stop writing as to enable me go on with another person but really from my heart i want two of us to share this fund with one mind because i had already started with you and will like to end it with you.

Once again,i like the way you filled the part of that form,it means that you are very very careful person,Listen,i am a christian and i believe that it is how God want me to be bless through this opportunity,so go ahead and submit the application because they bank are awaiting to recieve it from you because i told the bank that i have found the next of kin to my late client.

As soon as you get this mail call me for more directives,00228-933-58-20.

Barr Isa Sani.

Barr Code,

Now we’re getting somewhere; but we’re not there yet. I find it hard to believe that a Barrister of highest worth doesn’t have any pictures other than a scanned newspaper clipping. Thanks, by the way, for noticing that my grammar is so much better than yours. Your grammar, by the way, is dreadful, bordering on and often crossing over to unreadable.

Because I am beginning to think you are jerking me around and will not supply me with the funds necessary to have arm and leg replacement surgery prior to my appearance on Card Sharks, I have called to be a contestant on Press Your Luck. As I said, I will have to stop the board by pressing the button with my forehead, but so it goes. I can not help the fact that I lost my arms and legs in a mishap involving an old Sega Genesis and some rusty grappling hooks. You don’t want to risk getting that 2nd whammy in the first round, so send your picture without delay.

On the side,
Fryer Crumple Sampson

Dear Jones

Please i don't like the way you re taking me i gave you my phone number to call me you refused to call me all that you want is to be writing to me and you know that we need to communicate oraly on phon this is not a matter of writing mails, please i beg you with the Name of God call me on my line so that we can discuss the issue on phone,and please this is never a chids play i am surposed to request your present here in my country but i know that you may not beable to come down here in Togo that is only my reason why i sent you the application form to submt to bank in regards of this fund claiming as your inheritance next of kin beneficiary to late Mr J N Jones.

please if you can make it possible to come to Togo here i will like it that way than to be telling me to send another picture for you, infact i don't know if you are making fun of me ?




Barr None,

I would never ever make fun of you. You are providing me with a mountain of wealth, I think. All I ask is that you give me a better picture of you. Why is that so hard? As soon as you send a better picture of yourself, we can resume this transaction. As I stated, I would like to be able to look at your eyes and tell if you are trustworthy. Forgive me for not taking your word for it, but I can not be too sure until I can inspect your eyes. I will be happy to give you a phone number to reach me at as soon as you give me a better picture.

One other note: Some laptop computers recently came into my possession. I won them on the gameshow Bullseye, hosted by Jim Lange. Since I can’t use a normal computer because of my lack of arms, I thought I would share them with you. I will bring these gifts to you when we split our money. Now please, send me a better picture.

And for the 2nd time, please get my name right. It's Fryer Crumple Sampson.

Up high,
Fryer Crumple Sampson

Dear Sanford Jones

Infact if you are ready to trasfer this money with me send the application to bank immediatly failour to do that i will look for another person Named Jones by last name.


What is your problem with my name? This is the third time I’ve had to tell you now that my name is Fryer Crumple Sampson. My father was a Crumple Sampson, as was his father, and his father’s father. I think even my great-great grandfather was a Crumple Sampson. If nothing else, he was at least a Crumple. And no, I’m not ready to transfer the money because I don’t know you’re trustworthy yet. Please do not respond to me again unless you have a picture attached.

Down low,
Fryer Crumple Sampson


Because you can not fulfill a request as simple as sending a picture not scanned from a newpaper, I am no longer interested in adding your promised fortune to my vast game show winnings. Furthermore, I am going to donate the laptop computers I won on Bullseye to some other worthy recipient. I no longer feel that you can be trusted. I no longer consider you a Barrister of highest worth. In fact, I now consider you a Barrister of lowest worth, if you are even a Barrister at all. Thanks for nothing. If you watch Card Sharks during the month of December, I will be the armless man shedding a tear when I say, “Higher, Jim!” or, “Lower, Jim!” Man, I really wanted to be able to point when I said that, but I guess you could say it just wasn’t in the cards. Get it? Card Sharks… in the cards? Oh, nevermind.

Too slow,
Fryer Crumple Sampson


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