Dear Sanford

DEAR SANFORD:

I am a 55-year-old female who competes in triathlons for fun, fitness and health. I consulted my doctor because I was having foot pain. When I told him I was a runner and was preparing for a marathon race, his response was, "At your age, you could hardly call it a race."

I was shocked. I repeated the insulting comment to my husband, who has never supported me in this nor attended my races. He replied, "Well, you don't actually consider yourself an athlete, do you?"

I am so offended that I want to dismiss both my doctor and my husband. I just finished a race with 5,000 women. Every one of them was fabulous and serious, no matter how old or what they looked like. It was the spirit of the sport that mattered. At what age does one stop being an athlete?

-- OLDER ATHLETE, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR “OLDER ATHLETE”:

The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Granny? The question you should be asking isn’t whether you’re young enough to be an athlete, but what your mental state is. First of all, no one without a screw loose should find competing in triathlons fun, especially not geezers like you. Secondly, you’re old enough to be a grandmother. Stop deluding yourself into thinking you’re still young.

You’ll be dead soon. Do you really want to spend the sunset of your life swimming, biking, and running in a big circle, no doubt getting outpaced by everyone else? My advice: do your husband, your doctor, and everyone else a favor and find a cliff to jump off of.

DEAR SANFORD:

How much can you leg press?

-- IN AWE, BANGOR, ME

DEAR IN AWE:

I’ve never maxed out on leg press, but I can squat a Boeing 747.

DEAR SANFORD:

My son, a rodeo cowboy, wants to know the proper etiquette for a groom wearing a cowboy hat during the wedding ceremony. The ceremony will take place next July in a small Methodist church in Kansas. He really wants to wear his cowboy hat. Can he?

-- SUZIE IN SMACKOVER, ARK.

DEAR SUZIE:

You need to realize that your son is a redneck. Rednecks don’t generally get too hung up on proper etiquette. Since you’re from Arkansas, I’m going to make a couple of assumptions about the bride’s attire: If she will be wearing overalls and either no shoes at all or steel-toed boots, and the wedding is being held in a chicken coop, does it really matter if your loser son wears his cowboy hat?

By the way, I’m sure the bride is a real looker.


Send your questions to sanfordrjones@yahoo.com.