Hall of Justice

Impervious to kryptonite since 1974. Bragging about it since 1974.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Fun With Scammers Part 7: The Disappearing Rapper

This scammer wasn't very good. He had the usual MO of always getting on me about not delaying anything, but then he would disappear for weeks at a time.

ATTN: Sanford Jones ,

With warm heart I offer my friendship, and greetings,and I hope this mail meets you in good time. However strange or surprising this contact might seem to you as we have not met personally or had any dealings in the past, I humbly ask that you take due consideration of its importance and immense benefit. I duly apologise for infringing on your privacy, if this contact is not acceptable to you, as I make this proposal to you as a person of integrity I am Barrister Nze Kefas.a solicitor at law,

personal attorney to Mr.A W. Jones, a national Of your country,who used to work with Shell Development Company in Lome Togo. Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 21st of April 2000, my client,his wife and their only daughter were involved in car accident along Carra express Road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. Since then i have made several enquiries to your embassy here to locate any of my clients extended relatives,this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to contact you,I got your contact in a U.S library departement of American embassay here in lome togo.

.I have contacted you to assist In repartriating the fund valued at US$8.5 million left behind by my client before it gets confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Union Togolaise Banque where this huge amount was deposited. The said Union Togolaise Banque has for sometime now issued me a notice to provide the next of kin of my client or his account shall be declared dormant or possibly confiscated.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over 2years now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim. All I require from you is your
honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through.

I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me through the above e-mail for more details.

Best Regards.
Barr. Nze Kefas.esq

Dear Barrister Nze Kefas,

It is with great remorse and guilt that I receive your correspondence. You see, A.W. Jones was my Uncle Alvin. Uncle Alvin was the founder of a great root beer dynasty here in the U.S. However, about 5 years ago, root beer profits bottomed out in the now infamous market correction in the industry. As a result, his empire began to hemmorage money. He decided to search the world for a new root from which to extract the secret blend for his root beer so that he could reverse his fortunes.

It was my idea that he travel to the African continent to survey the plentiful flora located in its lush rain forests. His role as a representative of Shell Development was a ruse he created with the help of his good friend, root beer enthusiast, CEO of Shell, and International Bright Young Thing, Jesus Jones. He was worried about travelling abroad as a root beer magnate after the untimely death of Edward Barqs in the Phillipines in August 2000.

His expedition was to last for 9 months. After a year had passed, my family began to grow worried as to the whereabouts of Uncle Alvin. No one cared much about the dissappearance of the rest of the family. Aunt Beatrice was a total winch and my cousin Gilbert was a heroine addict and suspected pedophile. However, Uncle Alvin was a diamond in the rough- certainly a douche of a man if ever there was one- and I sent him to his African grave. My family is in shock and dismay over this news, as you might imagine. Oh, I cannot bear the thought of my poor Uncle Alvin passing from this earth.

Thank you so much for your warm heart. I will put it in my closet behind my little league trophies. It soothes my soul almost as much as Campbell’s soup to know that that cozening prevaricators like yourself are looking out for the good of humanity, especially during this troubling time of loss. At least I can get rich from his empire, though, thanks to your generous offer.

By the way, my uncle taught me the business of carbonated beverages. I now am the CEO of my own beverage company. Our leading product is Tab. It is a delicious and refreshing diet drink. Perhaps you can join me on my porch here in West Virginia for a drink after we complete this transaction.

By the way, I couldn’t help but notice how similar your name is to a good friend of mine, Eazy-E of NWA. Are you in the hip hop business?

Please let me know what you need to begin this transaction. I look forward to getting rich.

Your new friend with your warm beating heart,
Sanford Jones, Esquire

Dear Sanford Jones,

This is in reference to your detailed mail received this morning on the subject matter. While I sincerely believe that you read through and understood my very confidential mail yet I will like to take this opportunity to explain to you briefly what I need you to do in other for us to be successful in the transaction.

1. The very first thing is for you to make up your mind fully to co-operate with me in the claim. You will be the next of kin to my deceased client and on that understanding you will have to dedicate yourself seriously from now till the end of the transaction. You have to believe in me and I in you for the overall interest of both of us. But where we have doubts in each others integriety, it will not occur well so therefore I would want you to fully make up your mind.

2. Once you give me your firm commitment, then the next step will be for you to apply to the bank; Union Togolaise De Banque requesting them to transfer the estate of your late relative to you as the inheritor. The text of the letter to the bank will be prepared by me as the lawyer of the family then you will read and approve of it before sending it to the bank.

3. Once the bank receives the letter they will make first contact with you and thereafter they will request for some vital documents to prove that you are actually related to the deceased. Those documents to be demanded are right in my possession hence you will not have problem satisfying their demand. After the documents are submitted and verified, then the rest will be purely administrative paperwork which the bank will undertake before transfering the estate to you in form of the amount left behind by the deceased.

Above are the major procedure which I want you to understand clearly. Rightnow let me assure you fully that there is no criminality in the whole process because even the bank officials knows that I was personal attorney to the deceased and had at various times in the past represented by client in the bank in one two matters concerning his investment in the bank. For this reasons the issue of suspicision or doubt on whether or not you are the next of kin will not arise.

Basically I need you to stand firmly with me and follow my guidiance till the end and once the fund is transfered to your account it will be shared in the ratio as explained in my said confidential mail to yourgoodself. But should you have any reservation concerning the sharing ratio do let me know beforehand.

Naturally, I am open minded and I do not pretend nor take advantage on people. Again at this stage of my life and qualification as a lawyer I do not need to do something stupid hence I am sure of the informations I have forwarded to you. So I would appreciate if you go through this mail, ask some questions if need be, give me a detailed background information about yourself
and let me truthfully if you can handle this.

Thank you while I await for your reply.

Barrister Nze Kefas
Telephone +228 924 1598

Word Up Barrister Nze-E!

I hope you be kickin it real today. Much peace and love for your speedy and mendacious reply. However, it appears that either you did not spend much time reading my first e-mail, or you did not mean it when you gave me your warm heart. How can there be criminality when I am truly a relative of the dearly departed? And don’t you want to offer me condolences?

I can assure you that I have made my mind up fully. I be wanting to do business with you as long as you be true. Also, you can be certain that I be true and sincere, yo. Anyone who gives me their warm heart does not have to worry about my belief in them. The only other person who has ever given me their warm heart was Kris Kringle, who showered me with gifts throughout my childhood; and I repaid him by being a good boy, especially in November and December.

What is your proposed sharing ratio? I’m thinking 1:5 is a good ratio, unless that was what you laid on Smarty Jones last weekend. Then you might be frontin on dat, know wut I'm sayin?

Before we go any further with this lucrative transaction, I need some answers to my previous questions. First, will you join me on my front porch for a cold, refreshing Tab once this transaction is complete? I assure you that my home, although there is no running water or electricity, offers a spectacular view of the Appalachian Mountains. I also own a gerbil ranch, so maybe I could persuade you to survey my herd while you are here. I promise a schlemiel such as yourself will not dissappointed.

Also, I am very interested to know whether you are in the hip hop business, or as we say here in America, you be down wit da G’s in da hood. If so, do you kick it wit da east coast or da west coast? I be a straight G runnin west coast style, namely my boy Eazy-E.

One final request: in future correspondence, could you please refer to me as Sanford Jones, Esquire? Uncle Alvin gave me that suffix, and as a tribute to him, I have legally changed my name to include the suffix. Thank you for your consideration in this matter. Word up.

You got my commitment firm, know wut I be sayin? Let’s get this mutha rollin, yo.

Standing firm with your warm heart still in my closet,
Sanford Jones, Esquire

Dear Mr. Jones,

Yes I got your mail of this morning. I promise to share your local breaw with in your home. I will visit. Please I am putting absolute trust on you hence I plead with you not to let me down.

Enclosed is self explainatory, do type same neatly in your personal letter head and fax through the number indicate to the bank. This is the first step. Once you do so do alert me.

Awaiting your urgent response.

Barrister Nze
Mr Suleman Musa,
(Treasury/Operations Manager)
Union Togolaise Banque,
Fax: +228 2610376


Dear Sir,

I wish to use this medium to formally inform yourgoodselves that the above named person who was one of your valuable client died on the 21st of April 2001, together with members of his immediate family. Since the unfortunate incident, the whole members of JONES family was thrown into deep sorrow and mourning and has just reconciled with the fact that our dear brother is no more.

Rightnow records available to the family as well as facts from his personal Attorney in Lome, in the person of Barrister Juliao Nana confirmed that Late Engr.ENGR.ANDREW WISELY JONES had an Investment
Deposit with your esteem organization in the amount of US$8,500,000.00(Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand Us Dollars). Accordingly I am by this letter requesting your goodself to transfer the estate of my said late relative to my humbleself as the Bonafide
Inheritor/Next of Kin.

Finally, I wish to add that while my late uncle was alive he was involved with the local communities in Lome in providing them portable water and will appreciate your immediate response to my request to
enable me continue with those ideals he lived for. My full contact address, telephone and fax numbers are inclosed for ease of communication.

Thank you for your anticipated co-operation.

Yours Sincerely
Sanford Jones, Esquire

My Straight G Out On A Robbin Spree Nze,

What up my stone cold nigga? I am delighted that you will drink Tab with me on my front porch. However, it is not just a local brew. It is a leading diet soft drink marketed in over 70 countries worldwide. As a matter of fact, Tab was displayed prominently in the Michael J. Fox blockbuster movie Back To the Future. I can assure you that hilarity ensued when he attempted to order a Tab in a 1960’s drugstore after being sent back in time. I also look forward to your surveying my gerbil ranch. Maybe we could work out a side proposition that would include you maintaining a ranch for me in Africa. They would be great modes of transportation through the African bush.

Before I send this letter that you so kindly drafted for me, I still have unanswered questions about the proposed sharing ratio. I am also still awaiting a response about your level of participation, if any, in the hip hop business, and, if so, who you be sided wit? West coast or east coast, yo?

Urgently being urgent with great urgency,
Tha Esquire

Snoop Barrister Nze,

Word up. I am still awaiting your reply regarding the sharing ratio and who you be wit in the hip hop business. I am ready to send off this schlocky professional letter you wrote for me, but I will not start this transaction until I know what my cut is going to be. I did not become a wealthy international beverage manufacturer and gerbil rancher by entering into ventures without knowing all of the details. Until these issues are resolved, I am afraid my hands are tied to my elbows. I know time is of the essence because we be wanting that jack before your government steals it from us. Please resolve these issues so that we can begin this transaction which will lead to lifelong financial independence for both of us.

One more question, do people in Africa have pet monkeys since they are native to the continent? If I lived there, I sure would. I would paint it blue, slap a yellow spandex suit on it, and name it Gleek. Then I would turn myself into the shape of a sabertooth tiger and eat him like a piece of popcorn. Then I would turn myself into a waterfall and drink myself to wash Gleek down. It would be be wonder-ful.

Anyway, let me know ASAP what my cut of the windfall is going to be, and if we be hip-hop allies. Then, we can begin this tremendously lucrative transaction.

Peace out my dog and don’t front on my ho’s know wut I be sayin,
Tha Esquire

P.S. Your warm heart is still beating rythmically behind my little league trophies.


Why you be gankin me, yo? You be a crazy nigga if you think you be able to front on me like dat an den disappear.

Are we not doing business? You have disappeared for many weeks. Why would you never answer my question about my percentage of the take after you said I could ask about it? Maybe you do not really have any money and you just like to break American hearts? I can still be coaxed into this venture because I am greedy and want to add to my millions, but you are on a short leash.

Once more I will ask: what is my cut? I will not send the letter you prepared for me until my question is answered.

Also, in a previous e-mail, you asked about detailed background information. What type of information did you want? I will be more than happy to provide you with any background information you would like. I am very open with this information because the details of my life are not inconsequential.

About ready to flush your heart down the toilet,
Slammin Sanford Jones, Esquire

Dear Sanford Jones,

Thanks for your long time mail I cant understand what you mean by your percentage you forget that all the money is in your care and your account.but all the same i will give you 30%percentage From the total amount is that OK for you. please if you are still willing to do the business with me reply on time for us get things going



Barrister Dude,

I am shocked (shocked!) that you would ask me to reply on time. You were the one who went on a 3 week hiatus. I be wanting to do dis know wut I’m sayin. Let’s do it. 30% is not acceptable. I will accept nothing less than 60%. Also, I noticed in your latest e-mail that you did not address me as Sanford Jones, Esquire. This is non-negotiable. I will no longer respond to an Esquire-less salutation.

Now that we have that out of the way, what type of background information do you want from me? In addition, you never answered my question about your contacts in the hip hop industry here in America. We may have some mutual friends.

I hope I didn’t offend you when I called you my nigga. I guess I should inform you that I am also black. Attached is a picture of me.

Peace out dog,

P.S. I moved your heart to the bathroom lavatory.


Blogger SafeTinspector opined...

These are the posts I love the mosts.
You want I should forward you my 409 scam come-ons? I get plenty!

10/22/2005 7:32 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home