Stud-Mobile (A Photo Commentary)

Photo:














Caption:
Patrolling the streets of Fort Wayne, IN, an unidentified man displays on his rear window the style, class, and sophistication required to be a true lady's man.

The Next Garage Sale Warrior?

Norway's Hurra Torpedo provides quite a shock for anyone expecting the usual, ho-hum 21st century music. I met these guys on a Garage Sale Warrior tour stop in Oslo back in the mid-90's. We had a day to kill there after our show, so we jammed with them at a little dive bar the following night (our cameo appearance earned Hurra Torpedo its first major press). Kristopher, pictured above (and in the middle on the link below), absolutely blew us away. In fact, we cancelled our show in Bergen the following night to stay in Oslo and attempt to sign him to GSW. Who knows how his addition might have changed our future course? We were a little turned off by Egil's instrument choice of guitar, but there was no denying that the dude could sing and play. However, Aslag (the other "percussionist") would lead one to believe he didn't have a musical bone in his body were it not for his impeccable singing. It was as if he was just on the stage to thrash things.

Don't get me wrong, thrashing things was an important element of GSW's shows. Thus, I would be the last person to bash his methods for no good reason. However, unlike our aim, his was purely for effect. We did it for musical quality, and any visual stimulation was purely secondary. For instance, we slammed a chainsaw into sheet metal on our Werewolves of London cover because it was precisely the sound we wanted. It just so happens that no visual rival exists for a man swinging a running chainsaw into a giant aluminum wall. If you've never heard our take on the Zevon hit, it's not hard to imagine the sound of chainsaw on sheet metal in the place of the repetitive "Ah-oooh" vocals in the chorus.

Anyway, many are now trumpeting Hurra Torpedo as the next GSW. Randolph Turley of Underground Chops goes so far as to call them the "evil foreign stepchild of Garage Sale Warrior and System of a Down." Who knows? Maybe the world has had enough of Justin and Britney to finally seek out something different. If Aslag can calm himself down and concentrate on the music, perhaps the genre can take off this time.

Without further ado, I give you Hurra Torpedo.

Fun With Scammers Part 10: Eco Bank LOL

ECO BANK PLC
115 ALLEN AVENUE IKEJA
LAGOS NIGERA

ATTN:Sir,

My name is Mr.Frank Aba, the manager, credit and foreign bills of Ecobank Plc. I am writing in respect of a foreign customer of my bank with account number 14-255-2004/utb/t who perished in a plane crash [Korean Air Flight 801] with the whole passengers aboard on August 6, 1997.

Since the demise of this our customer, I personally has watched with keen interest to see the next of kin but all has proved abortive as no one has come to claim his funds of usd.20.5 m, [twenty million five hundred thousand united states dollars] which has been with my branch for a very long time. On this note, I decided to seek for whom his name shall be used as the next of kin as no one has come up to be the next of kin. And the banking ethics here does not allow such money to stay more than Ten years, because money will be recalled to the bank treasury as unclaimed after this period. In view of this I got your contact through a trade journal after realizing that your name and country is similar to the deceased. I will give you 25% of the total.

Upon the receipt of your response, I will send you by fax or e-mail the application, bank's fax number and the next step to take.

I will not fail to bring to your notice that this business is hitch free and that you should not entertain any fear as all modalities for fund transfer can be finalized within five banking days, after you apply to the bank as a relation to the deceased.

When you receive this letter. Kindly send me an e-mail signifying your decision including your private Tel/Fax numbers for quick communication and send mail to frankaba1@myway.com

Respectfully submitted,
Frank Aba


Frank,

How r u? I’m glad the passengers were whole or that would be gross! Ewwww! What trade journal did u get my name? Ebay? I use Craigslist 2. I’ll give u my digits, but u must know that unless u gots a text fone, it won’t b ne good 2U cuz I’m deaf. I am ntrested, but 25% must be a joke. Plz. I want half.

BTW, I rly luv ur band, special-e the songs S.O.S. and Waterloo lol!

WB,
Lacey Marie

P.S. :-)


Sir,

Thanks for your willingness to claim this fund as the next of kin to the deasease.

I will like you to send to me the following information which will help for easy transfer of the fund to without any trouble:

(A) Your full name________________________

(b) Your mailing address----------------------------------

(c) A copy of your international passport Or DRIVER'S LICENCE.

Upon the receipt i will facilitate the immediate action regarding the fund.

Thanks,
Frank.


Dear Lacey Marie,
Thank you for your response to my letter sent to you. Please be reassured that this transaction is risk free as my position guarantees the successfull accomplishment of this fund transaction.Let me take this opportunity to confirm to you that this proposal is not a game or joke, it is real,it requires your utmost cooperation and maximum support.

I would like you to treat it with the seriousness it deserves. Because every serious thing in life started like this, It is interesting to notify you that I would like you to stand in as the next of kin to Mrs. Bunten Wendy, as all my attempts to trace her relations yielded no fruit and moreover, she died without a will on this deposited sum of US$20,500,000 (Twenty million Five hundred thousand US dollars) in my branch.

The reason for this bold move is that I don’t want the fruit of Mrs. Bunten Wendy labour to fall into corrupt government officials and secondly because of my interest to invest my share in your country. I will like you to be reliable and maintain absolute confidentiality and provide me with a save account to facilitate the transfer of this fund as the beneficiary and next of kin of Mrs. Bunten Wendy.

I have agreed to compensate you with 20% of this amount. The time frame for this transaction is 5-10 working days. To get started send to me your Banking particulars,Full name and address,Age and a copy of your International Passport or Driver's lincense to enable the attorney process the letter of probate (administration) in the justice department in your favour for the transfer.

Please endeavour to mail me everyday to enable me update you with activities report of the transaction.Re assured it is true and real and above all, your security is guaranteed. I look forward to normal business relationship with you.

Best Regards,
Frank Aba.


Frank,

I’m not gonna give u my bank #’s that fast, lol! & OMG, you offer 25%, I say that sux, and now ur only offering 20%? Get ril. I want half. Send me a pic ID & ur law license. Wut trade journal did u get my name from?

Full Name: Lacey Lou Marie
Address: 315 P Stream Way, Decatur, GA 34103
Age: 18
ID: As if, I’ll send mine when u send yurz
Banking Particulars: Snap, I want 2 make sure yur legit

XOXO
Lacey


Dear Jones,

Thanks for your mail.

To proceed in this transaction you will have to furnish me with a save banking particulars were this money will be transfered into. this will enable me consult an attorney here who will assist us secure all the neccessary documents backing you legally as the true next of kin and beneficiary to the said fund.

I will want you to know that this transaction is not a child's play. Moreso, it is 100% risk free and highly confidential. i will give you 25% of the total for your assistance.

As soon as this is achieved i will send copies of this documents to you and hard copies to the bank for immediate verification and payment.

Kindly send to me your direct telephone number were you can be reached at any time or better call or text me on my direct telephone number 234 80 43298746 for better understanding.

Expect to hearing from you soon.

Regards
Frank aba


Frank,

I’m not Jones. This is my boyfriend’s e-mail acct. Don’t wrry, he won’t tell. He’s dead. No deal on 25%. 50% is wut I want LOL. Wonder why Jones is dead? ;) Send me proof of u and I will send my bank #. & u must have missed that I don’t have a fone cuz I’m deaf. Txt fone only. I clld ur celly and it’s not compat wit txt fones. SRRY!

Hugs ‘N Kisses,
Lacey Marie

Morning After Hangover

What a wild evening for Super Sanford's Hall of Justice last night. It's not every day that a blog turns 3-months old, you know. Anyway, the Hall slept it off this morning (and afternoon) and will not be able to provide you with the cutting edge content you've come to expect here. Instead, the Hall is loading up on Motrin and Gatorade and staying close to the toilet.

(Note: For the record, we're talking about the site here, not the author. In fact, Super Sanford was playing Barrel of Monkeys and watching re-runs of Arrested Development while the Hall was out carousing.)

The Future's So Bright...

What can you, dear reader, expect from these pages in the future? In short, there's more where that came from. Additionally, I plan to share the following:

• A cure for cancer that I wrote on a napkin at a bar in Budapest one night in 1993
• A little invention of mine that I like to call the personal rocket car (patent pending)
• How to create a nuclear bomb out of nothing more than a piece of gauze, a tin of shoe polish, and a little duct tape
• A picture of a new bird species that I discovered in the jungles of Zimbabwe

3rd (Month) Anniversary Grand Prize Giveaway

The person who leaves the 3rd comment on this post wins an all expenses paid trip to the 3rd state in the Union, beautiful New Jersey!

Grappling Hook and Tote Bag Winners Announced

Winner # 1: 64.12.117.# (aol.com) in North America
Winner # 2: 68.95.150.# (swbell.net) in Dallas, TX
Winner # 3: 209.64.87.# (nissan-usa.com) in Gardena, CA
Winner # π: 82.83.63.# (arcor-ip.net) in Leithe, Germany

Congratulations, winners. E-mail sanfordrjones@yahoo.com to claim your fabulous prizes.

Three Months Of Memories

I'm not one for nostalgia, but below is but a few of the many highlights of the past three months:

• I don't really care about your thoughts on the world or your 3rd grade understanding of economics.
• Most people listen to garbage.
• That reflective thing in the middle of your windshield is called a rear-view mirror.
• Thank L. Ron Hubbard that you are okay!
• Would you choose a broom?
• Must be better than granola!
• ...would have a stroke if he heard I was working out of Japan and he hadn’t already died of a stroke 20 years ago.
• Who r u?
• I would join his cult in a HEARTBEAT.
• I am not a dear. I am an antalope.
• Condi, I gotta drop the Cosby kids off at the pool.
• Monkeys don't need captions to be funny.
• Carrots are better than poop.
• It's a nerdy weather link.
• That's a look at my insanity. Back to you, Pam and Steve.
• He hates accordians.
• Check it.
• ...nicknamed the Bowcaster by a Wookiee sports writer.
• Not talking about it will earn you a cheapshot in the short ribs.
• Will tends to prefer grammatical pomposity to making a point.
• The woman was none other than Linda Hanrahan.
• Fully smurfed but with a broken smurf and a smurf in her smurf.
• Have you seen the Bea Arthur video?
• Papa Smurf always says the Snorks are a bunch of [expletive deleted].
• It's clintastic.
• I can squat a Boeing 747.
• Do you like to go out in the woods and hunt for magi?
• Your warm heart is still beating rythmically behind my little league trophies.
• And I am not a chubby chasing gay man.
• Ask him if they have any razor blades.
• I will be the armless man shedding a tear when I say, "Higher, Jim!"
• Also visible in the picture is yours truly and Clubbin' Chris.
• I will not demand that the Sugar Bowl be renamed to the Sanford R. Sugar Bowl or Sugar R. Jones Bowl.
• All this sounds like a recipe for crap.

Mission Accomplished!

They said it couldn't be done, but here we are three months older and going strong. From the humble beginnings of "Hello World" on August 17, 2005, to "A Music Primer: Godspeed You! Black Emperor" on November 15, we've had a few laughs, shed a few tears, and probably learned something along the way (at least you've probably learned something, since I'm so much smarter than you). Yours truly had no idea where this would end up when I started typing on that fateful late summer evening, but I did know that I had earth-shaking thoughts and ideas yearning to break free from my unbelievably advanced brain to eat into the conscious of others. 64 posts, 1187 page views, and 3 months later, not much has changed except the future as we know it. In my first post, I wrote, "I give this site about a month before I forget about it and/ or get too lazy to keep posting." My lazy streak may or may not kick in some day, but one thing is definite: the world will not soon forget Super Sanford's Hall Of Justice, and that world includes me.

On The Next Super Sanford's Hall Of Justice...

...Sanford and all 5 of his readers celebrate the site's 3 month anniversary. Stay tuned for tons of excitement. The first π visitors tomorrow receive a complimentary Super Sanford tote bag and a set of grappling hooks.

A Music Primer: Godspeed You! Black Emperor

Godspeed You! Black Emperor is the bastard child of a hard rock band and a chamber orchestra. Hailing from Montreal, the group consists of a bunch of weirdo commie types (try finding a picture of the band on the the web). The band recently changed its name from Godspeed You Black Emperor! to its current name. That's right. They moved the exclamation point. How's that for weirdo, not to mention pretentious?

Although the music is all instrumental, the band uses field recordings, including an interview with a whacko named Blaise Bailey Finnegan III (during the track by the same name on the fantastic EP Slow Riot For New Zero Kanada) and a recording from a grocery store loudspeaker, to pass on its socialist message. The instrumentation is as varied as you would expect from said bastard child: guitar, drum, bass, cello, viola, violin, French horn, organ, and glockenspiel, just to name a few.

While all this sounds like a recipe for crap, you might be surpised. The results are elaborate layers of dense repetitive sound, usually building from something much more minimal. Although the music is incredible, it is not something you will want to use to get pumped up for your rec league basketball game or include on a mix CD. It is easy to call the tracks "movements" rather than "songs" with a straight face, as most change course multiple times and clock in at well over 10 minutes. Their best offerings are the afore-mentioned EP and the full-length album Yanqui U.X.O. Below is the first movement from "Storm," which is the first track of the Lift Yr. Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven! double album.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Lift Yr. Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven

Sanford In The Postseason

Let’s face it, the current NCAA postseason sucks. I love bowl season as much as anyone, but there has to be a definitive champion every year. It’s one thing for Ball State to go undefeated against Miami, OH, and the Kalamazoo Kickball Federation, but when SEC and ACC teams (at least until Virginia Tech got throttled by Miami) go undefeated and get shut out of the national championship game, the system is broken.

The argument that a playoff would detract from schoolwork is ridiculous on so many levels, it’s not even worth addressing. Therefore, the only arguments in favor of keeping the current system are travel logistics and the tradition of the bowl season. My 16-team playoff addresses both issues.

A BCS-like rating system would be employed to rank teams. These rankings would be used for filling out and seeding the field, as detailed below.

The ACC, Big 10, Big 12, Big East, PAC 10, and SEC champions would receive automatic bids. Next, the 2 highest-ranked mid-major champions (Conference USA, MAC, Mountain West, Sun Belt, and WAC) would receive berths. The final 8 at-large spots would go to the highest ranked teams not already included, regardless of conference affiliation.

The rankings would then be used to seed the field from 1 to 16. Teams would be paired in a standard 16-team bracket, where 1 plays 16, 2 plays 15, etc. in the first round and 1 vs. 16 plays 8 vs. 9, 2 vs. 15 plays 7 vs. 10, etc. in the second round. The higher seed would host the first round. Keeping first round games on campus addresses the travel concern and prevents the playoff system from depleting the bowl sites. In addition, it rewards the higher seeds with both home-field advantage and with an extra home game’s ticket sales (although I’m sure the NCAA would force their hands into the pockets of the host sites and dole out the gate receipts as they see fit). Beginning with the quarterfinal, bowl sites would be used. These sites would be selected based on payout, where the highest three bidders would rotate the championship game and two semifinal games for 3 years and the lowest 4 bidders of the 7 sites would pick from the quarterfinal pairings in order of payout. After a complete rotation, bowls would re-bid on spots. This would keep the money-hungry NCAA happy, as well as provide an opening for varying bowl sites to include themselves in the playoff system.

As for the remaining bowl sites, they would continue to host games during the final week of December and on New Year’s Day, avoiding scheduling conflicts with the playoffs. ESPN would retain its Bowl Week if it so desired, and there would still be plenty of teams to fill out the bowl pairings (the playoffs would remove 16 bowl-eligible teams and 7 bowls from the pool of about 25 current bowls).

The tournament would start either 1 or 2 weeks after the conference championship games. Holding the first round on the following week would place the championship game on the weekend of New Year’s Day if this system were in place this year. Closing out a somewhat normal bowl season with either a championship game or 2 semi-final games on or around New Year’s Day would keep all the traditionalists and bowl fanatics, including myself, happy.

And there you have it. Not only would the tradition of the bowls like the Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas and Poinsettia Bowls be preserved, but we would also know who the best college football team in America is. All without using rocket science or tarot cards.

Miles Brand, if you have any questions after reading this, feel free to leave a comment or e-mail me at sanfordrjones@yahoo.com. And contrary to the rumor making its away around certain message boards, I will not demand that the Sugar Bowl be renamed to the Sanford R. Sugar Bowl or Sugar R. Jones Bowl.

Dear Sanford

DEAR SANFORD:

Rumor has it that you used to play the beehive in a band in the late 90's called "Garage Sale Warrior". I once attended a GSW show, and have never seen such talent. Your sound was a mix between Gwar and Debbie Gibson, but with rhymes as ill as Slick Rick. I really enjoyed the Tuff Luck cover songs that you orchestrated. Did choosing "Longshanks" Heard as manager
eventually lead to GSW's demise?

-- ELECHRISITY, NATCHEZ, MS

DEAR ELECHRISITY:

Thank you for taking the time to read my previous post, Thank You, Google, For Uncovering My Unknown Talents (And A Brief History Of Garage Sale Warrior), which covers most of the questions in your note.

I did not play the beehive regularly. I played the kazoo and the bowstaff. However, I did play the beehive on the Tuff Luck cover you mentioned, "Sleaze If You Please." Longshanks' role as our manager played no part in the band's breakup. In fact, he was the one who turned Walter Branson on to our sound and got us on a tour card with the Pixies and Love Beads. At left is a picture of our show in Osaka during that tour. If you look closely, you can see Black Francis, who, along with Squirt of Love Beads, sat in with us on "Cumberbund And The Fractitious Won" during this tour. Also visible in the picture is yours truly and Clubbin' Chris.

Send your questions to sanfordrjones@yahoo.com.

Fun With Scammers Part 8: Surfer Dude

This is another one that didn't go anywhere, thankfully. I don't even know why I'm posting this for others to see.

From: Barrister Richard Kinson

I am Barrister Richard Kinson,an Attorney at law, and the Personal lawyer to Engineer W.A.Spence,a citizen of your country who used to work as research and production technology in Shell oil company of Togo,Hereinafter shall be referred to as my client.

On the 21st of April,2001,my client,his wife and their two children were involved in a car accident along Karra-Sokode expressway while arriving from a Holiday to Lome.All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. Since then,I have made several inquiries to locate any of my clients extended relatives and this has also proved unsuccessful.

I am contacting you to assist me in claiming the sum of US$45.2 million, which the deceased deposited with a bank in lome - Togo for safekeeping.

The BANK has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin of my late client or have the deposit with them declared an "bandoned Property"through the laid down legal procedures within one Month.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over one year now,I therefore,seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same name so that the proceed of this deposit valued at US$45.2 million can be released to you, and I and you can share the money at an agreed proportion.You will be required to provide a safe account or open a new account where the mentioned fund will be transfered .

Upon your acceptance to this proposal,the information of the bank will be furnished to you so that you establish a contact with them and inform them of your readiness to claim the deposit with them.

Every secret information relating to the deposit will be given to you which you shall use to identify yourself as the next of kin of my late client.Please contact me as soon as possible.send your personal telephone and fax numbers.feel free to contact me through my private email richard_kinson@hotmail.com for confindentiality.

Yours, Sincerely
Barrister Richard Kinson(Esq)


Slick Rick,

Dude, are you any relation to Sam Kinison, dude? Oh! Oh! He was funny, God rest his soul, dude. Please, like, present me as the next of kin for this sap, dude. This is totally cool man! Death totally rocks, dude. One problem, dude, I don't have a telephone of fax number, man. I am a surfer, dude, and I live on the beach. It’s totally tubular dude. Far out.

Swing Low Sweet Chariots,
Archdude Ferdinand Asbestos


Dude,

Like dude, you're totally blowing me off. Why don't you respond to me, dude?

Ferdinand Asbestos

How To Win Friends And Influence People: Life Is A Laugh Track

As you read through this blog, you probably think to yourself on more than one occasion, "I wish I was as funny/ creative/ thoughtful/ smart as ole Super Sanford." While I can't help you with the final 3, I can help you at least create the illusion that you're funny. For the illusion, we'll need to steal a page from television. How does a show like Friends create the misperception that it's funny? By adding fake laughter. You can do the same thing. Below is a list of links you can use to create a laugh track for your life.

Uproarious laughter-use this when you think you're saying something funny, but know from past experience that no one is going to laugh
Delayed reaction-use this track for those times when your humor is subtle or not readily apparent (e.g. your clothes don't match or your boss walks in while you're surfing the web
One starts, everyone finishes-perfect complement to high-brow humor
Hispanic television sound effect-if all else fails, try this (works well with physical humor)

Fun With Scammers Part 8: Appendages For Card Sharks

FROM THE DESK OF BARRISTER ISA SANI. ESQ.
No 12 RUE DU DECOMMERCE LOMEOPPOSITE OLD COURT BLOCK 2
ISA & ASSOCIATES CHAMBERS LOME TOGO
Email barrisa_sani@walla.com

Private Message

Dear Hoff,

With due regards

I am Barrister Isa Sani a solicitor at law, personal attorney to Mr.J N.Hoff,a national Of your country,who used to work with Shell Development Company in Lome Togo.

Here in after shall be referred to as my client. and it happen that the Man registered to me as his personal attorney.Unfortunately the Man died in a motor accident which happened on 31th October, 2003. All occupants of the motor accident unfortunately lost there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy here to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence i contacted you. It is realy that we never knew or met each other befor but i will want you to come down in person so that we can see each other befor we can beable to procced, but where by you can not come down we can transfer this fund through bank, that means we shall be cummincating through email fax and phone,

But for me i could want you to come down so that we shall go direct to the bank, because every original documents that are needed to claim this fund is with me here right now;i don't want this bank to confisicate this fund,

Please I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the fund valued at US$ 9.5 million left behind by my client before it gets confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Fco Bank where this huge amount were deposited. The said Eco Bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have his account confisicated within the next twenty one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over 1years and some months now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim.

All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.
Please get in touch with me through the above email for more details.
Best regards.

Barrister Isa Sani. Esq .


Bar. Sani-Flush,

I feel so awful for my client (the Man). If he died in 2003, that means he never got to see the feelgood hit of this summer, Saw. At least he was still alive when Glitter hit theatres. I sure am glad my name is Hoff, because now I get to reap a huge reward for no other reason. It’s good that all you require is my honest cooperation, because I can provide that and little else. You see, I have no arms or legs and I am as dumb as a box of hammers. Maybe with this unexpected windfall, I can grow new arms and legs and have brain replacement surgery.

On your reply, could you please clarify the following remarks:

“It is realy that we never knew or met each other befor but i will want you to come down in person so that we can see each other befor we can beable to proceed, but where by you can not come down we can transfer this fund through bank, that means we shall be cummincating through email fax and phone,”

I have no earthly idea what you are trying to communicate to me in this statement, except that one of us is a moron. In an effort to keep this correspondence family-oriented, I am not going to comment on the beach ball you just lobbed me. I have a readership to think about, you know.

I look forward to quickly conducting this business so that I can pick out a new set of arms and legs. Let me know what my next course of action should be.

Not Hoff,
Fryer Crumple Sampson


Attention Fryer,

Responding to your mail,It is a great pleasure for me seizing this time to reform your mind and put you through in some certain clarifications.I am giving u every assurance regarding this issue which i know will be of immense benefit to both of us upon concluding.I was very happy after going through your mail,as a matter of fact i feel as if the money has already be transfer outside however i am giving you information regarding what we are doing. and i will also include application letter which you will fill and submit to the bank in order to proceed.Meanwhile i want you to know that u are dealing with a man that has a lot of reputations to keep and maintain.

God in heaven knows that i am of good intentions and faith in contacting you for this.I equally pray that the almighty God should give us the wisdom and knowledge to differenciate the good from the bad intentions.

I am an old man I dont want anything that will stain or dent my gained image,i am not in any way trying to implicate u into any thing that is illegal or cheat stuff.Though i am not in any way blaming u for this reason,but i only want u to know that some times we do fall aside of divine grace due to being skeptic and ignorant of the whole issue.One reason keep remain that it is only he who sees it that knows it.and so it is he who understands a language can equally speak it.all these are the words of the wise.Please also bear in mind.

My dear dont be afriad of anything, there is no risk attached to this transaction. let me thank you once again for your mail which is in response to my proposal. and please bear in mind that we are going to spend little money in this transaction to facilitate the project. Let me go straight to explain more on the event that led to this before I expatiate on the project proper.The deceased customer was a big customer of the Ecobank Of Lome Togo Republic.and died on a car acident along with his family due to no bodies were recovered from the accident due to a very poor rescue facilities.

They were given a ceremonial mass burial here in lome.and He was also the owner of S.T.E TRADING COMPANY SARL Lome Rep of Togo.He had handled so many projects here in West Africa.But the company folded up after the demise of his death.Meanwhile i am using this great oppurtunity to say i have all proof in this case as long as i am not hurting who should not be hurt.That brought us together.Meanwhile i will like you to please send me your picture for better understanding.And as well take my advice we will achive this goal.
Thanks
Mr Barr Isa

NB,call me as soon as you receive this mail immediately for more directives.
......................................................................................................................

HERE IS THE APPLICATION OF CLAIM YOU WILL FILL AND SUBMIT TO THE BANK FOR PROCESSING FOR THE RELEASE OF THE FUND.

Sige social :76,AVE JOSEHP STRUASS AJOLOLO LOME,TOGO
B.P 363 Tel/fax:00228 222 11 49

Email: board_of_directors_office@yahoo.com

Dear Sir,
APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF 9.5 MILLION USA DOLLARS ONLY ($9.5M )FROM ACCOUNT NUMBER:$286-41732-55. Please be informed that I wish to transfer the sum of ($9.5M )from Account number $286-41732-55 to a new account as detailed below:

YOUR FIRST AND LAST NAME..............
YOUR HOUSE ADDRESS: ..................
YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER:............
ROUTING NUMBER: ...........(IF AVAILABLE)
PHONE/ FAX NUMBER: ..............
BENEFICIARY: ...............
YOUR COUNTRY..................
YOUR AGE...................
YOUR PROFESSION.............
This is the money left behind in your Bank by my deceased cousin, I am his cousin and named next of kin with all documents to proof. I wish as the heir apparent to claim and instruct that the above mentioned amount be transferred into my nominated Bank account as shown above.Please,accept this late application as it was due to family logistic problems consequent upon his funeral rights. I hope you will expedite action. Thanks for your Anticipated co-operation,Yours faithfully.
your name.................


Barr Isa Sanity,

Thank you for the extremely professional looking (that was sarcasm) application. I have filled it out and will mail it as soon as the following requests are met:

1. What is the proposed sharing ratio?
2. How much can you bench press?
3. Attached is a picture of me before my accident (check out my guns!). Please send a picture of yourself.
4. Have you ever read Catcher In The Rye?

I have to take a dump pretty bad,
Crumple Sampson




Attention Sanford Jones,

I got your mail and it was well understood,Listen,i was not happy over your delaying in this transaction,that was not why i contacted you in this transaction and let be well clear to you that delay is not accepted in this transaction.

(I) Out from the total amount you will be giving %45 why%50 for me and %5 for all the whole cost of whateven we will spend in this transaction.

Listen,kindly send the form immediately through that email address i forwarded to you last time,as soon as you send it,get back to me by giving me a call,00228-933-58-20.

As soon as possible i am going to forward my picture to you for a better understanding,as soon as you receive this mail,kindly send out the application immediately and get back to me.

Thanks,

Barrister Isa Sani.


Why listen you,

You have some nerve telling me you’re not happy with my delays. You sent your first message on October 17 at 20:30 Greenwich Mean Time. I responded at 20:55 Greenwich Mean Time, a delay of 25 minutes. You responded to my response on October 19 at 21:11 Greenwich Mean Time, a delay of 2 days, 16 minutes. I responded to your response of my response on October 20 at 15:47 Greenwich Mean Time, a delay of 18 hours, 36 minutes. You responded to my response of your response of my response today at 16:15 GMT, a delay of 1 day, 28 minutes. You are the one who is dissappearing for days at a time, so don’t lecture me. If you expect me to just jump headfirst into this international game of intrigue with a complete stranger without any information at all about shares and modalities and whatnot, well let’s just say I’m dumb, but I’m not stupid. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You reap what you sow. Kill two stones with one bird. A bush in the hand is worth two in the bird.

I am quite insulted that you expect me to accept 45% of the loot. I will not take a penny more than 40%.

I will not submit this application until I receive a picture so that I can look at your eyes and judge for myself whether you are truly as reputable as you claim. In addition, you must also answer my question about how much you bench press. This is very important to me. Lastly, please stop addressing me as something different on each correspondence. My name is Fryer Crumple Sampson.

That is all for now. I have an appointment with my masseuse to have my nubs licked. Please respond to my simple requests.

On the next Arrested Development,
Fryer Crumple Sampson


AttnFryer,

Listen very attentively,i have made myself clear to you concerning on the sharing per-centage,But if you still demand that we share it normally,Well, their's no problem since we are doing this with one mind,i have accepted sharing with you 50 50 to both of us,So it will not stop us from not having this fund as the bank are awaiting to hear from his relation.

In this regards,i will want you to immediately send out the application form as to enable the bank see it before next week coming,Once again,attach is my Picture as you requested.

Keep me posted as soon as you submit it to the bank.

Thanks,
Barrister Isa Sani.


Dear Fryer Crumple Sampson,

Good morning and how are you doing,I hope great,Well,it interest me to know if you have submitted the form to the bank for an immediate releasing of this fund to you as the original next of kin,kindly update me if you have done that.

Once again,did you receive the picture which you requested?update me immediately.

Regards,
Barrister Isa Sani.




Barrister Isa Doofus,

Good morning to you as well! I hope you didn’t get chased by any lions or any other scary exotic animals over there in Africa today.

The picture you sent is unacceptable. I can’t tell anything about your character from a picture scanned from a newspaper. All I can tell is that you look like a cross between Fat Albert (Hey! Hey! Hey!) and the Reverend Al Sharpton. Please send a color picture that is a minimum of 4 inches tall by 6 inches wide.

Also, I refuse your offer of 50% sharing. I was quite serious when I said that I will accept not one penny more than 40%.

Please stop delaying the process. I was hoping to have this loot in hand by the end of this month so that I can begin the process of growing new appendages and swapping out brains. These things take at least a month in total, and I am supposed to be a contestant on Card Sharks early in December. Host Jim Perry would undoubtedly share in my delight if I could point heavenward when I shout, “Higher, Jim!”

Our next challenger on Card Sharks is,
Fryer Crumple Sampson


Fryer,

Listen,this is not childish play,i contacted you in this transaction to share with me not to spoil it,please,if you are not interested in this transaction kindly send back to me that application form and do not send it to the bank again,you are negating my offer without no reason,how could you behaving like this way,saying nonsense language that does not suppose to say in this transaction,please this is not for children.

I am the one that should be afraid of you in this transaction because you are the person to receiv this fund as soon as it been release from the bank in your country,so if you are not ready kindly indicate immediately as to enable me contact another person that can understand this with me.

Thanks,
Barr Isa Sani.


Bob Barr,

Who’s being a child, buddy? I told you I want this done as soon as possible so I can have arms and legs when I go on Card Sharks. The brain would be an added bonus, but there’s so much luck involved, it’s really not that important.

If you don’t want this deal spoiled, all you have to do is agree to the 40% sharing and send me a larger color picture. As for “saying nonsense language that does not suppose to say in this transaction,” I would rebut that if I had any idea what you’re trying to say, Mr. Pot Calling the Kettle Black.

To prove that I am as serious as I can be, I’ve copied a portion of the completed application to this e-mail:

Dear Sir,
APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF 9.5 MILLION USA DOLLARS ONLY ($9.5M )FROM ACCOUNT NUMBER:$286-41732-55. Please be informed that I wish to transfer the sum of ($9.5M )from Account number $286-41732-55 to a new account as detailed below:

YOUR FIRST AND LAST NAME..Fryer Crumple Sampson, Jr.
YOUR HOUSE ADDRESS: ..58911831 Garckelgruber Highway, Fartnugget, PA 20144
YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER:.R2D2…

I will gladly send the completed form in full as soon as my simple requests are addressed. If you feel the need to find someone else because I am asking you to fulfill one simple task and meet my most reasonable demand with regards to sharing, be my guest. I guess I could go on Press Your Luck instead, although I would have to press the button to stop my spin with my forehead. However, I’d still rather get the big bucks! big bucks! from this deal. Stop being a whammy and give me a decent picture and let me know where you stand with the sharing ratio.

Give Me Five,
Fryer Crumple Sampson


Dear Fryer Crumple Sampson,

Ok i agreed on that sharing 40%,But i want to be specific to you that i do not have another picture to send to you,if you don't trust me in this transaction,kindly stop writing as to enable me go on with another person but really from my heart i want two of us to share this fund with one mind because i had already started with you and will like to end it with you.

Once again,i like the way you filled the part of that form,it means that you are very very careful person,Listen,i am a christian and i believe that it is how God want me to be bless through this opportunity,so go ahead and submit the application because they bank are awaiting to recieve it from you because i told the bank that i have found the next of kin to my late client.

As soon as you get this mail call me for more directives,00228-933-58-20.

Thanks,
Barr Isa Sani.


Barr Code,

Now we’re getting somewhere; but we’re not there yet. I find it hard to believe that a Barrister of highest worth doesn’t have any pictures other than a scanned newspaper clipping. Thanks, by the way, for noticing that my grammar is so much better than yours. Your grammar, by the way, is dreadful, bordering on and often crossing over to unreadable.

Because I am beginning to think you are jerking me around and will not supply me with the funds necessary to have arm and leg replacement surgery prior to my appearance on Card Sharks, I have called to be a contestant on Press Your Luck. As I said, I will have to stop the board by pressing the button with my forehead, but so it goes. I can not help the fact that I lost my arms and legs in a mishap involving an old Sega Genesis and some rusty grappling hooks. You don’t want to risk getting that 2nd whammy in the first round, so send your picture without delay.

On the side,
Fryer Crumple Sampson


Dear Jones

Please i don't like the way you re taking me i gave you my phone number to call me you refused to call me all that you want is to be writing to me and you know that we need to communicate oraly on phon this is not a matter of writing mails, please i beg you with the Name of God call me on my line so that we can discuss the issue on phone,and please this is never a chids play i am surposed to request your present here in my country but i know that you may not beable to come down here in Togo that is only my reason why i sent you the application form to submt to bank in regards of this fund claiming as your inheritance next of kin beneficiary to late Mr J N Jones.

please if you can make it possible to come to Togo here i will like it that way than to be telling me to send another picture for you, infact i don't know if you are making fun of me ?

PLEASE IF YOU CAN BE CAPABEL OF COMING HERE IN TOGO PLEASE TELL ME SO THAT WE CAN GO DIRCETLY TO BANK WITH ALL THE NECESSARY DOCUMENT THAT IS NEEDED TO CLAIM THIS FUND AS YOUR INHERITANCE, BUT IF YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT TO COME DOWN PLEASE GO AHEAD AND SEND THAT APPLICATION TO BANK TO DAY SO THAT BANK CAN START THE PROCEESS .

THANKS I AM WAITING FOR YOUR URGENT AND FAVOURABLELY RESPONSE

BARRISTER ISA SANI ESQ


Barr None,

I would never ever make fun of you. You are providing me with a mountain of wealth, I think. All I ask is that you give me a better picture of you. Why is that so hard? As soon as you send a better picture of yourself, we can resume this transaction. As I stated, I would like to be able to look at your eyes and tell if you are trustworthy. Forgive me for not taking your word for it, but I can not be too sure until I can inspect your eyes. I will be happy to give you a phone number to reach me at as soon as you give me a better picture.

One other note: Some laptop computers recently came into my possession. I won them on the gameshow Bullseye, hosted by Jim Lange. Since I can’t use a normal computer because of my lack of arms, I thought I would share them with you. I will bring these gifts to you when we split our money. Now please, send me a better picture.

And for the 2nd time, please get my name right. It's Fryer Crumple Sampson.

Up high,
Fryer Crumple Sampson


Dear Sanford Jones

Infact if you are ready to trasfer this money with me send the application to bank immediatly failour to do that i will look for another person Named Jones by last name.

Thanks


What is your problem with my name? This is the third time I’ve had to tell you now that my name is Fryer Crumple Sampson. My father was a Crumple Sampson, as was his father, and his father’s father. I think even my great-great grandfather was a Crumple Sampson. If nothing else, he was at least a Crumple. And no, I’m not ready to transfer the money because I don’t know you’re trustworthy yet. Please do not respond to me again unless you have a picture attached.

Down low,
Fryer Crumple Sampson


“Barrister,”

Because you can not fulfill a request as simple as sending a picture not scanned from a newpaper, I am no longer interested in adding your promised fortune to my vast game show winnings. Furthermore, I am going to donate the laptop computers I won on Bullseye to some other worthy recipient. I no longer feel that you can be trusted. I no longer consider you a Barrister of highest worth. In fact, I now consider you a Barrister of lowest worth, if you are even a Barrister at all. Thanks for nothing. If you watch Card Sharks during the month of December, I will be the armless man shedding a tear when I say, “Higher, Jim!” or, “Lower, Jim!” Man, I really wanted to be able to point when I said that, but I guess you could say it just wasn’t in the cards. Get it? Card Sharks… in the cards? Oh, nevermind.

Too slow,
Fryer Crumple Sampson