Hall of Justice

Impervious to kryptonite since 1974. Bragging about it since 1974.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Fun With Scammers Part 1: My Dear Pelvin

Dear Sanford R. Jones,

Greetings to you in the name of the Lord..

I am PELVIN TITO the Director in-charge of auditing and accounting section of DIAMOND BANK OF LOME - TOGO in West Africa. With due respect and regards,
I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.

During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person by the name of John Spence who died on an Egyptian airline flight 990 that crashed on 31 october 1999 with his family on their way to Egypt from New York.

My dear, from our findings this fund has been dormant in his account with this bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery to this development.

Although personally, I kept this information secret within myself and my partner to enable the whole plans and idea be profitable and successful during the time of execution.The said amount was USD$25m (twenty five million United States Dollars).I am glad to say that with the introduction of internet, I was opportuned and pleasured to have come across your contact through this satellite media.

My dear, the actual reasons why I have to contact you was the fact that you bear the same surname with the deceased so this makes it easier for you to put in claims to the bank as ,the next of kin to the deceased so that this fund would be transfered into your account for our onward sharing later, and I being a banker am not allowed to operate a foriegn account because I am still working in this bank. I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free.

My dear the bank ,has tried contacting the deceased's family to no avail i was very glad and happy when i came across your contact, someone who bears the same surname with the deceased who can put in claims for this fund to be transfered into your account abroad.I also pray and beleive that you will not dissapoint me in this transaction.

Meanwhile all the whole arrangement for you to put claim over this fund as the bonafide next of kin to the deceased will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist us and also benefit yourself to this great business opportunity. Thus this process must be done through its legal means.

On smooth conclusion of this transaction, a certain percentage of this fund has been mapped out for you as your entitlement which I will let you know upon your reply of interest on this transaction.

My dear, you are adviced to keep this transaction a top secret as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after we conclude this deal with you. I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account. And ask us to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice us to invest in. All other necessary information will be send to you when I hear from you. I suggest you get back to me asap stating your wish in this deal.

However, I wish you give me your phone number where I will call you and please you are free to call me on this my telephone number 00228 903 11 27 for more detailed information.Meanwhile, I will be sending to you my family picture for you of have a look of the people you are about to deal with.

Yours faithfully,


My Dearest Wonderful Pelvin,

This sounds like a stupendous opportunity. I cannot wait to get started swindling this dead sap. You must know that I am a wealthy industrialist, philanthropist, and bicyclist. I enjoy the occasional romp in a high stakes game of international intrigue now and again. I must inform you, however, that I am unable to phone you at this time. Unfortunately, the 0 key fell off my rotary phone.

Did you know that your name is only one letter away from my favorite bone in the body? The pelvis not only holds your innards and whatnot above your knees, it also hold your innards and whatnot above your thingy. Not only that, it connects your legs to your stomach. Biology is so fascinating, don’t you agree?

Pelvin, although we have never met, I feel as though we are kindred spirits- probably because of the numerous times you referred to me as your “dear.” This leads me to wonder, are you looking for sexual gratification from me at the conclusion of this deal? I would have to see a picture before I consent to that. You see, not only am I an international man of mystery, I am also highly superficial. If you are ugly, I will insist that we keep this relationship strictly platonic. Attached are 2 pictures of me. The first was taken in my swimming pool. I look forward to seeing the pictures you promised me.

We could split up the loot at my estate at the conclusion of the transfer. I have a swimming pool full of dolphins, as you can see. I also have a ping pong table. I will spank your ass in ping pong. I can’t wait to plunder this rotting corpse’s bankroll.

Your Dear (as long as you’re not ugly),
The Jonester

My Dear Pelvin,

I am beginning to get worried about you since you have not responded back to me. Either you have fallen into dire straits or you were not serious when you offered me the pot of gold and your love. Please respond to me as soon as possible. I hope I didn't offend you when I told you I would spank your ass in ping pong. It is common knowledge in my hometown that no one beats me in ping pong. But don't worry, I am a gracious winner.

El Jonesanator

Thank you for replying my mail i am very sorry that i could not get back to you immediately this is due to a little illness i had but i am now okay.

If you are interested and serious in this transaction that will be of great benefit to us please give me your phone number where i can always reach you and please feel free to call me on my number at any time.

+228 903 11 27

Oh Pelvin, thank L. Ron Hubbard that you are okay! You gave me quite a scare with your disappearing act. I sincerely hope that you are feeling better, my beloved Pelvin. Here are a few tips to make sure you stay healthy until we meet: don’t go outside with wet hair, make sure to eat an apple every day, eat plenty of chicken soup, dry between your toes after you shower, and point your head south when you sleep.

Since the 0 key fell off my phone, I borrowed my friend Joey Fatone’s phone to call you today. However, no one answered (possibly because there is no plus sign (+) on phones here in the United States, and your number has a plus sign in it). I know that this transaction is to be made using the greatest secrecy, so do not worry about my friend smoking us out because of my using his phone. I told him I was calling one of those kinky phone sex numbers, which is why I usually borrow his phone.

I currently do not have a phone that is available to me at all times. I have a standing policy not to carry a cell phone. The government uses those infernal contraptions to spy on us! Also, I am travelling almost every day as an international man of intrigue, and I cannot ask my secretary or butler to take a message because then they would learn of our high stakes pilferage. Maybe instead of communicating over the phone, we can meet in person. Does this sound agreeable to you?

Pelvin, you have my everlasting assurance that I am very interested and very serious. I want this carcass’ loot so that I can buy a killer whale for my swimming pool and some new ping pong paddles. Do you play ping pong?

I am still looking forward to seeing a picture of you so that I can determine if you are too ugly to fornicate with me. Hopefully you are as pretty and desirable in real life as you are in my dreams.


P.S. Am I still your dear?


It has been many weeks since I last heard from you. Do you still have access to the loot? Would meeting in person be agreeable to you? Am I still your dear? Will you still send a picture? If you want to do business with me, these delays must end. I still look forward to making a tidy profit with you then retiring to a tropical paradise to make sweet love with you (as long as you're not ugly).

Sanford R.


Friday, August 19, 2005

How To Drive On Multilple Lane Roads

Is it really that complicated to change lanes? Judging by my counterparts on the streets of Northern Virginia, I’m thinking it must be. Thus, I’ve come up with some guidelines for my fellow drivers.

When to change lanes:

1. Someone ahead of you is moving slower than you are.
2. You’re in the passing lane (that’s the lane to the far left) and you’re not passing anyone, especially if there is a driver behind you who wants go faster than you.
3. You need to turn or merge onto an exit ramp.
4. The lane beside you is open and a car has to merge off of an entry ramp into your lane.
5. Other factors: the lane you are in is extremely bumpy, a huge truck ahead of you is dumping rocks all over the road or is suffocating you with exhaust, etc. Note: This type of lane change should only be made if absolutely necessary.

When not to change lanes:
1. There is a faster car behind you in the lane you are wanting to merge into. Not sure if there is a car behind you? That reflective thing in the middle of your windshield is called a rear-view mirror (i.e. it is used to view things to your rear).
2. There is nothing in front of you for 3 miles and you have no intention of leaving the road you are on.

How to change lanes:
1. Determine that a lane change is necessary.
2. Engage your turning signal (usually a long shaft extending from the left side of the steering column).
3. Check your rear-view and side mirrors and look over your shoulder to ensure that there is no traffic impeding your lane change.
4. Merge into the new lane.
5. Disengage your turning signal.