Racial Barrier Persists Due To Technicality (A Photo Commentary)

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Major League Baseball attempted to break another racial barrier today as Chewbacca was slated to start at pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. However, the game ended in a forfeit before the Wookiee threw his first official pitch because a friend of the pitcher, Leia Organa, refused to leave the playing field prior to the game. During his warmup pitches, Chewbacca delivered a fastball to catcher Jason Varitek that was clocked at 5.3 parsecs per hour.

My Perfect Job

I found a website this morning that must be run by that Jamaican fortune teller who used to run commercials between Conan O'Brien and Carson Daly. You enter your name, and the site spits out your perfect job. Here are my results:

Sanford R. Jones, Your ideal job is a God for everyone.
Sanford Jones, Your ideal job is a Monkey Impressionist.

I think this news calls for another monkey picture:

Another Funny Monkey Picture

Monkeys (A Photo Commentary)

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Monkeys don't need captions to be funny. They're monkeys.

#1 Or #2, Mr. President? (A Photo Commentary)

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Reuters ran this picture of a note from President Bush to Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the United Nations yesterday. The note reads, "I think I may need a bathroom break? Is this possible [unreadable]."

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What if he had written, "Condi, I gotta drop the Cosby kids off at the pool"?

Stop Staring At Me (A Photo Commentary)

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Uncropped image of John Roberts at his Supreme Court confirmation hearing

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How old is this photographer? On the other hand, that left eye needs a little Visine, Your Honor.

Fun With Scammers Part 3: No Response From Nwa

This one didn't get very far. The Barrister never responded to my response.

BARRISTER NCHAWA NWA
CONSULT ASSOCIATE CHAMBERS.
LOME REP OF TOGO.

Dear,

I am Barrister Nchawa Nwa, a solicitor at law, personal attorney to Mr.Richard T. Jones,who used to work with Shell Development Company in Lome Togo. Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 21st of April 2002, my client, his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident along Kara express Road, Togo.

All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy here to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to trace
his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.

I have contacted you to assist in retrieving the fund valued at US$17.5 million left behind by my client before it gets confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Security Finance Firm where this huge amount were deposited. The said Security Finance Company has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have his account confiscated within the next twenty one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2years now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim.

All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me through the above email for more details.

Best Regards.
Barrister Nchawa Nwa.

Woah! That is the coolest name I have ever seen. It pays homage to the greatest gansta rap group of all time. I am very sorry to hear about “my client.” One question: if “my client” and family are lost now after the accident, how do you know where they live? Wouldn’t that make them found?

Anyway, I’m interested in your diabolical scheme. Let’s discuss the sharing ratios and modalities. First off, what are these crazy words? They sound like economics terms to me, but I flunked Advanced Theory and Practice of The Practical Business Economic Model back in 1st grade.

Beed-a-beed-a-beed-a-beed-a-beed-a-beed-a-boop!
Thurston Sugarhillgang Goodrich XIX

PS: Thanks for backing me up. Every robot needs to be backed up from time to time. You never know when a cyborg might have an operating system crash or disk failure.

PSS: I am not a dear. I am an antalope.

TV Good Looks (A Photo Commentary)

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I am the great Cornholio?

Garfield And The Definition Of "Comic"

Selected definitions for the word "comic" include the following:

adj.
Characteristic of or having to do with comedy.
Amusing; humorous: a comic situation involving the family's pets.

n.
A comedian.
A person whose behavior elicits laughter.
A source of humor in art or life.

(taken from www.dictionary.com)

Here is today's Garfield "comic" strip:


How does this "comic" fit any of the above definitions?

Fun With Scammers Part 2: Job Offer With No Details

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am Mr.Liu Peijin ,managinig Hubei Machinery&equipment Import&export Corporation (CMEC HUBEI CO.) we are a company who deal on mechanical equipment, hardware and minerals, electrical products, Medical & Chemicals, light industrial products and office equipment, and export into the Canada/America and Europe.

We are searching for representatives who can help us establish a medium of getting to our ostumers in the Canada/America and Europe as well as making payments through you to us.

Please if you are interested in transacting business with us we will be glad.

Please contact us for more information,Subject to your satisfaction you will be given the opportunity to negotiate your mode of which we will pay for your services as our representative in Canada/America and Europe

Please if you are interested forward to us your phone number/fax and your full contact addresses.

Thanks in advance

Mr.liu peijin
managing Director
CMEC HUBEI CO.


Dear Mr. Liu, Peijin,

I would be glad to make you glad. I am interested in transacting business. What would you have me do? I think I would be a good candidate to get to your ostumers. I am pretty fast.

Sir Madam Jones


REFNUMBER/234/U
Dear jones,

First i must thank you for picking up the consideration to be our payment officer via our costumers who are already and able to pay some of the outstanding bills,surphise to say that your role in this endeavoure is to serve as our agent to get to our customers who buys our product and helping us collecting their outstanding money which they owe to our comapany,you will be be given a commission of 10% for any payment made to you and you will be given instruction on how to remitte the balance funds to us in turn.

Importantly,we are a coporate company and we do not require your out of pocket money instead we pay you for your servicies hence this partnership.

Please be adviced that we will have to begin the necessary process of approving you as our agent/partner on our receipt of your understanding and your sincere abilities.

On our receipt of your mail we will inform you on the next step to follow as regards our approval for you to being our representative in your province.

Please re-confirm to us your full names/Contact address and phone number.

Note:Endeavour to indicate your reference number as above in all of your correspondence with us.
Mr.Liu Peijien
Managing Director
Tel/Fax:+85230101939
(WWW.CMEC HUBEI COM


Peijien,

My contact information is as follows:

Sir Madam Jones
1320314-A Indiscreet Lane
Washington, DC 20042
(703) 936-1212

I currently work for Verizon weather. The number above is my office. You can reach me there.

Your company is coporate? Where is your company coporated, and by whom? What types of costumes do your costumers wear? I like to wear a clown suit from time to time, but usually it’s all leather all the time, if you know what I mean.

What is the correct spelling of your name, Peijien or Peijin? I want to make sure I get the spelling right in all future correspondence, both professional (memos, reports, etc.) and personal (love letters). I don’t know anyone else who can’t spell their own name except for my brother, Lady, who is fecal.

Sir Madam Jones


Ref:234/U,
Dear jones,

I have received your mail and i thank you once more for your correspondence and i want you to note that we will begin with the necessary steps of verifying and approving you as our representative in the US hence we will email you with our approval process on our conclussion.Our company is based in china with branches in japan, singapore.

I appreciate that you acknowledge the receipt of this mail for further correspondence.

Mr.Liu Peijin
Managing Director
Tel/Fax:+85230101939
(WWW.CMEC HUBEI COM.


Peijien/ Peijin,

I tried your company’s website (WWW.CMEC HUBEI COM) and my browser said it could not find the url. I don’t know who url is, but I think it’s because there are spaces in your web address.

What branch will I be working out of? I would prefer the Chinese branch because I heard about an American who was beaten with reeds in Singapore just for vandalism. And Japan? Well, I think you know my country’s history with Japan (Hiroshima, anyone?).

I appreciate that you appreciate my acknowlegement of the receipt of your mail for further correspondence.

Forever yours,
Jones Is Changing


Dear Jones,

I realy appreciate your swift response, and i am pleased to let you know that we have concluded all necessary verification of your identity, but i was unable to get you on phone when an attempt was made by our public relations officer he said youre phone was forcasting the weather in your region. But never the less we have to move on with this business as u are now one of our representative in the us, so you will be scheduled for payment from one of our client who is in your region and he is due to make his payment through you to us, and he is by the name Tom Robinson, i advice you call him so he will tell you when exactly he will be making his payment as the case maybe.Find Below his contact details, and ensure u give him a call and get back to us with his response.And we will need your direct phone number with which we can reach you at once.I appreciate if you aceknowledge the receipt of this mail.

I await your urgent response in this matter.

Regards,
Mr Liu P.

Managing Director CMEC HUBEI.
Our custumers name...Tommy Robinson
Telephone...1-1647 891 540
Ontarion canada.
Endevour to give him a call ASAP.


Boss Liu P,

I endevoured to call the number you gave me for Robinson with the same ferocity that I endevoured my supper of rancid lettuce and stewed milk last night. However, I think you entered too many numbers in the phone number. I got a disconnected number error.

The number I gave you was my direct line. It is my company’s policy to provide the weather report in our voicemail. We are, after all, a weather company. Leave a message after the weather report and my secretary should get it to me on the double. Otherwise, I will lock her in the dungeon and bludgeon her with sweet peas.

Please answer the question of what branch I am based out of. This is a serious concern for me, as noted previously. I don’t want to work out of an area where people are beaten with reeds or a country we nuked (KABOOM!) in the great war. My grandfather, a veteran of the Pacific Theatre, would have a stroke if he heard I was working out of Japan and he hadn’t already died of a stroke 20 years ago. I will continue to try to reach Robinson in Ontarion.

Where is Ontarion located in case I need to fly there to meet Robinson?

Keeping Up With Jones


I forwarded your information to our client and he said your address and name sounds bougus and he is not satisfied with your contact details.

Thanks for your effort.(Sir Madam)!
Mr Liu P.


Liu P,

Luckily, I was able to contact our client and was quite surprised by his response. He stated that he will not be transferring any money to us because he is unsatisfied with the quality of our products. He said he will not be transferring any money to you or any of your associates until the faulty mechanical equipment you suppplied him is replaced. He said something about a front end loader not having a manifold with the correct specifications and a rocker arm that pulls the toe out on the tracks. Furthermore, he was not pleased that I did not know anything about our company and was unable to provide any credentials when he asked for them. I really think I should attend some type of employee orientation, or at least know how to access the company’s website. However, you ignored my response about the website URL not working. In addition, I would really like to know where my new office is. I have no idea despite multiple inquiries. I know different managers have different styles, but as your faithful employee, I really wish you would acknowledge my worth. I have turned in my 2 weeks notice at my current employer, but I am beginning to wonder if I made a bad career decision. My last day at Verizon Weather is May 5. My fortune teller told me my life would take a unexpected turn for the better on the day you contacted me, and that I would be freed from the shackles of tyranny, oppression, and grass stains on May 5. Please do not let my seer down.

As for Robinson questioning my information, you are going to believe a renegade client over your own check of my identity? If you prefer, I will be happy to fly to the location of your choice so that we may meet face to face, thus proving my identity. Maybe I could also receive some type of formal job training during our meeting.

How do you wish to deal with Robinson’s nonpayment? If you would like to leave him to me, I happen to have at my disposal a contract killer. He is quite good and his work comes in quite handy. Have you ever heard of Barbara Fidellik y Habanez Rabid? I didn’t think so. My contact erased her, if you will. Just say the word and future generations will never know that a schlub named Robinson crossed the great Liu P. That is, unless you want them to. I leave that call to you, master.

Yours,
Jones

Comforts Of Home (A Photo Commentary)

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I read an article in the paper this morning with the headline "New Orleans Water: 45,000 Times What's Considered Safe."

Odd Choice (A Photo Commentary)

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If you were going to be stranded on top of a van with only 1 item besides the clothes on your back, would you choose a broom?